And loses half her grossness by curtailing. 
    Faux pas are told in such a modest way,—­
    The affair of Colonel B——­ with Mrs. A——­
    You must forgive them—­for what is there, say,
    Which such a pliant Vowel must not grant
    To such a very pressing Consonant? 
    Or who poetic justice dares dispute,
    When, mildly melting at a lover’s suit,
    The wife’s a Liquid, her good man a Mute? 
    Even in the homelier scenes of honest life,
    The coarse-spun intercourse of man and wife,
    Initials I am told have taken place
    Of Deary, Spouse, and that old-fashioned race;
    And Cabbage, ask’d by Brother Snip to tea,
    Replies, “I’ll come—­but it don’t rest with me—­
    I always leaves them things to Mrs. C.” 
    O should this mincing fashion ever spread
    From names of living heroes to the dead,
    How would Ambition sigh, and hang the head,
    As each lov’d syllable should melt away—­
    Her Alexander turned into Great A——­
    A single C. her Caesar to express—­
    Her Scipio shrunk into a Roman S——­
    And nick’d and dock’d to these new modes of speech,
    Great Hannibal himself a Mr. H——.

* * * * *

MR. H——­

A FARCE IN TWO ACTS

* * * * *

ACT I

SCENE.—­A Public Room in an Inn—­Landlord, Waiters, Gentlemen, &c.

Enter Mr. H._

MR. H.
Landlord, has the man brought home my boots?

LANDLORD
Yes, Sir.

MR. H.
You have paid him?

LANDLORD
There is the receipt, Sir, only not quite filled up, no name, only
blank—­“Blank, Dr. to Zekiel Spanish for one pair of best hessians.” 
Now, Sir, he wishes to know what name he shall put in, who he shall say
“Dr.”

MR. H.
Why, Mr. H. to be sure.

LANDLORD
So I told him, Sir; but Zekiel has some qualms about it.  He says, he
thinks that Mr. H. only would not stand good in law.

MR. H.
Rot his impertinence, bid him put in Nebuchadnezzar, and not trouble me
with his scruples.

LANDLORD
I shall, Sir. [Exit.]

Enter a Waiter.

WAITER
Sir, Squire Level’s man is below, with a hare and a brace of pheasants
for Mr. H.

MR. H.
Give the man half-a-crown, and bid him return my best respects to his
master.  Presents it seems will find me out, with any name, or no name.

Enter Second Waiter.

SECOND WAITER
Sir, the man that makes up the Directory is at the door.

MR. H.
Give him a shilling, that is what these fellows come for.

SECOND WAITER
He has sent up to know by what name your Honour will please to be
inserted.