* * * * *

[Illustration:  SCENE:  Charing Cross.—­“BUY A BIT O’ SHRAPNEL, MISTER?”]

* * * * *

    “Alderman ——­ was fined L5 for aiding and abetting his
    game-keeper in feeding pheasants with guano.”—­Liverpool
    Daily Post.

He must have thought it would be good for their crops.

* * * * *

From a New Zealand official report: 

    “When sawing a piece of timber F——­’s left thumb came
    into contact with saw, cutting it.”

People with thumbs like this ought not to be allowed to handle delicate instruments.

* * * * *

“The first draft sale of the Gloucestershire Old Spots speaks volumes for the black and white pig.. ..  Nor must the beautifully-marked pig ‘Bagborough Charm VII.,’ farrowed 1817, be forgotten.”—­Farmer and Stockbreeder.

It seems, however, to have been overlooked for some time.

* * * * *

“‘By heavens, it’s the Germans!’ cried Captain Jansson later, at last awake to the truth.  ’Call all hands and make for the boats.’  He turned the wheel hard astern and stopped the ship.”—­Daily Mail.

Something had gone wrong, we suppose, with the foot-brake.

* * * * *

“——­ ——­ was born in 1883, and received his musical education, first in Dresden, and subsequently in England with one of the most orthodox of the English professors, as a result of which he entered the Diplomatic Service in 1909 as Honorary Attache.”—­The Chesterian.

We hope this will silence the complaints as to the insufficiency of our diplomatists’ education.

* * * * *

HOW TO BRIGHTEN UP THE THEATRE.

“You want, I take it,” said the stranger to the manager, “to make your theatre the most interesting in London?”

“Naturally,” the manager replied.  “I do all I can to make it so, as it is.”

“Perhaps,” said the stranger; “we shall see.  But I have it in my power to make it vastly more interesting than any theatre has ever been.”

“You have a play?” the manager inquired; amending this, after another glance, to “You know of a play?”

“Play?  No.  I’m not troubling about plays,” said the caller.  “Plays—­what are plays?  No, I’m bringing you a live idea.”

“But I don’t wish to make any change in the style of my performances,” said the manager.  “If you’re thinking of a new kind of entertainment for me—­super-cinema, or that ‘real revue’ which authors are always threatening me with—­I don’t want it.  I intend to keep my stage for the legitimate drama.”