Throwing off his monk’s habit, he took up a cross made out of a sour apple-tree, which was as long as a lance, and with it he laid on lustily upon his enemies.  He scattered the brains of some, and the legs and arms of others.  He broke their necks; he had off their heads; he smashed their bones; he caved in their ribs; he impaled them, and he transfixed them.  Believe me, it was a most horrible spectacle that ever man saw.  Some died without speaking, others spoke without dying; some died while they were speaking, others spoke while they were dying.  So great was the cry of the wounded, that the prior and all his monks came forth, and seeing the poor wretches hurt to death, began to confess them.  But when those who had been shriven tried to depart, Friar John felled them with a terrible blow, saying, “These men have had confession and are repentant, so straight they go into Paradise!”

Thus by his prowess and valour were discomfited all those of the army, under the number of thirteen thousand six hundred and twenty-two, that entered the abbey close.  Gargantua, who had come from Paris to help his father against Picrochole, heard of the marvellous feats of Friar John, and sought his aid, and by means of it utterly defeated the enemy.  What became of Picrochole after his defeat I cannot say with certainty, but I was told that he is now a porter at Lyons.  He always inquires of all strangers on the coming of the Cocquecigrues, for an old woman has prophesied that at their coming he shall be re-established in his kingdom.

III.—­The Abbey of Thelema

Gargantua was mightily pleased with Friar John, and he wanted to make him abbot of several abbeys in his country.  But the monk said he would never take upon him the government of monks.  “Give me leave,” he said, “to found an abbey after my own fancy.”  The notion pleased Gargantua, who thereupon offered him all the country of Thelema by the river of Loire.  Friar John then asked Gargantua to institute his religious order contrary to all others.  At that time they placed no women into nunneries save those who were ugly, ill-made, foolish, humpbacked, or corrupt; nor put any men into monasteries save those that were sickly, ill-born, simple-witted, and a burden to their family.  Therefore, it was ordained that into this abbey of Thelema should be admitted no women that were not beautiful and of a sweet disposition, and no men that were not handsome, well-made, and well-conditioned.  And because both men and women that are received into religious orders are constrained to stay there all the days of their lives, it was therefore laid down that all men and women admitted to Thelema should have leave to depart whenever it seemed good to them.  And because monks and nuns made three vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience, it was appointed that those who entered into the new order might be rich and honourably married and live at liberty.