XV.  The White House from Without In

Being Extracts from the Diary of a President of the United States.

MONDAY.  Rose early.  Swept out the White House.  Cooked breakfast.  Prayers.  Sat in the garden reading my book on Congressional Government.  What a wonderful thing it is!  Why doesn’t Congress live up to it?  Certainly a lovely morning.  Sat for some time thinking how beautiful the world is.  I defy anyone to make a better.  Afterwards determined to utter this defiance publicly and fearlessly.  Shall put in list of fearless defiances for July speeches.  Shall probably use it in Oklahoma.

9.30 a.m.  Bad news.  British ship Torpid torpedoed by a torpedo.  Tense atmosphere all over Washington.  Retreated instantly to the pigeon-house and shut the door.  I must think.  At all costs.  And no one shall hurry me.

10 a.m.  Have thought.  Came out of pigeon-house.  It is all right.  I wonder I didn’t think of it sooner.  The point is perfectly simple.  If Admiral Tirpitz torpedoed the Torpid with a torpedo, Where’s the torpedo Admiral Tirpitz torped?  In other words, how do they know it’s a torpedo?  The idea seems absolutely overwhelming.  Wrote notes at once to England and to Germany.

11 a.m.  Gave out my idea to the Ass Press.  Tense feeling at Washington vanished instantly and utterly.  Feeling now loose.  In fact everything splendid.  Money became easy at once.  Marks rose.  Exports jumped.  Gold reserve swelled.

3 p.m.  Slightly bad news.  Appears there is trouble in the Island of Piccolo Domingo.  Looked it up on map.  Is one of the smaller West Indies.  We don’t own it.  I imagine Roosevelt must have overlooked it.  An American has been in trouble there:  was refused a drink after closing time and burnt down saloon.  Is now in jail.  Shall send at once our latest battleship—­the Woodrow—­new design, both ends alike, escorted by double-ended coal barges the Wilson, the President, the Professor and the Thinker.  Shall take firm stand on American rights.  Piccolo Domingo must either surrender the American alive, or give him to us dead.

TUESDAY.  A lovely day.  Rose early.  Put flowers in all the vases.  Laid a wreath of early japonica beside my egg-cup on the breakfast table.  Cabinet to morning prayers and breakfast.  Prayed for better guidance.

9 a.m.  Trouble, bad trouble.  First of all Roosevelt has an interview in the morning papers in which he asks why I don’t treat Germany as I treat Piccolo Domingo.  Now, what a fool question!  Can’t he see why?  Roosevelt never could see reason.  Bryan also has an interview:  wants to know why I don’t treat Piccolo Domingo as I treat Germany?  Doesn’t he know why?

Result:  strained feeling in Washington.  Morning mail bad.

10 a.m.  British Admiralty communication.  To the pigeon-house at once.  They offer to send piece of torpedo, fragment of ship and selected portions of dead American citizens.