“But come now,” he continued, “your meeting me is most fortunate.  Let me explain.  I am at present on the Intelligence Branch of the General Staff.  My particular employment is dealing with foreign visitors—­the branch of our service called, for short, the Eingewanderte Fremden Verfullungs Bureau.  How would you call that?”

“It sounds,” I said, “like the Bureau for Stuffing Up Incidental Foreigners.”

“Precisely,” said the Count, “though your language lacks the music of ours.  It is my business to escort visitors round Germany and help them with their despatches.  I took the Ford party through—­in a closed cattle-car, with the lights out.  They were greatly impressed.  They said that, though they saw nothing, they got an excellent idea of the atmosphere of Germany.  It was I who introduced Lady de Washaway to the Court of Franz Joseph.  I write the despatches from Karl von Wiggleround, and send the necessary material to Ambassador von Barnstuff.  In fact I can take you everywhere, show you everything, and” —­here my companion’s military manner suddenly seemed to change into something obsequiously and strangely familiar—­“it won’t cost you a cent; not a cent, unless you care—­”

I understood.

I handed him ten cents.

“Thank you, sir,” he said.  Then with an abrupt change back to his military manner, “Now, then, what would you like to see?  The army?  The breweries?  The Royal court?  Berlin?  What shall it be?  My time is limited, but I shall be delighted to put myself at your service for the rest of the day.”

“I think,” I said, “I should like more than anything to see Berlin, if it is possible.”

“Possible?” answered my companion.  “Nothing easier.”

The motor flew ahead and in a few moments later we were making our arrangements with a local station-master for a special train to Berlin.

I got here my first glimpse of the wonderful perfection of the German railway system.

“I am afraid,” said the station-master, with deep apologies, “that I must ask you to wait half an hour.  I am moving a quarter of a million troops from the east to the west front, and this always holds up the traffic for fifteen or twenty minutes.”

I stood on the platform watching the troops trains go by and admiring the marvellous ingenuity of the German system.

As each train went past at full speed, a postal train (Feld-Post-Eisenbahn-Zug) moved on the other track in the opposite direction, from which a shower of letters were thrown in to the soldiers through the window.  Immediately after the postal train, a soup train (Soup-Zug) was drawn along, from the windows of which soup was squirted out of a hose.

Following this there came at full speed a beer train (Bier-Zug) from which beer bombs were exploded in all directions.

I watched till all had passed.

“Now,” said the station-master, “your train is ready.  Here you are.”