***

A contemporary points out that there is a soldier in the North Staffordshire Regiment whose name is Douglas Haig.  Riots are reported in Germany.

***

“Can Fish Smell?” asks a weekly paper headline.  We can only say that in our experience they sometimes do, especially on a Monday.

***

An employer pleading for an applicant before the Egham Tribunal stated that he had an oil-engine which nobody else would go near.  We cannot help thinking that much might be done with a little tact, such as going up to the engine quietly and stroking its face, or even making a noise like a piece of oily waste.

***

Germany’s new Hymn of Hate has been published.  To give greater effect to the thing and make it more fearful, Germans who contemplate singing it are requested to grow side-whiskers.

***

It is rumoured that since his recent tirade at York against newspapers Dr. LYTTELTON has been made an Honorary Member of the Society of Correctors of the Press.

***

The Evening News informs us that Mr. Henry white, a grave-digger of Hellingly, has just dug his thousandth grave.  Congratulations to our contemporary upon being the first to spread the joyful news.

***

Unfortunately, says The Daily Mail, Lord Northcliffe cannot be in four places at once.  Pending a direct contradiction from the new Viscount himself, we can only counsel the country to bear this announcement with fortitude.

***

Only the other day The Daily Chronicle referred to the Premier as “Mr. George,” just as if it had always been a penny paper.

***

The rush to a certain Northern suburb has died down.  The rumour that there was a polite grocer there turns out to be cruelly at variance with the facts.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Joy-riding up-to-date.

The UNDEFEATED war-profiteer.]

* * * * *

Another sex-problem.

    “Plaintiff was the daughter of an officer in the Royal Irish
    Constabulary, and was a grand-nephew of Dr. Abernethy, the famous
    surgeon.”—­Evening Paper.

* * * * *

From a recent novel:—­

    “His face was of the good oatmeal type, and grew upon one.”

Useful in these days of rations.

* * * * * From The New Statesman’s comment on Mr. Lloyd George’s Paris speech.

    “He does try to be Biblical sometimes.  In the Paris speech he used
    the unnatural word ‘yea’ twice.  Each time it gave one shudders down
    the back.”

No doubt next time, in view of our obligations to U.S.A., the Prime Minister will say “Yep.”