“DEAR BOYS:  The next time you divert yourselves by throwing dice
for two young ladies, we pray you not to do so in the presence of a
valet who is upon terms of intimacy with the maid of one of them.

“With many sincere thanks for the amusement you have given us—­often when you least suspected it—­we bid you a lasting adieu, and remain, with the best wishes,

“HATTIE CHAPMAN,
“LAURA THURSTON.

“Brant House,
“Wednesday."

“It is all the fault of that, aw—­that confounded Thomas!” said Ned.

So Thomas was discharged.

[4] Atlantic Monthly, June, 1863.

THE TACHYPOMP.[5]

A MATHEMATICAL DEMONSTRATION.

BY E.P.  MITCHELL.

There was nothing mysterious about Professor Surd’s dislike for me.  I was the only poor mathematician in an exceptionally mathematical class.  The old gentleman sought the lecture-room every morning with eagerness, and left it reluctantly.  For was it not a thing of joy to find seventy young men who, individually and collectively, preferred x to XX; who had rather differentiate than dissipate; and for whom the limbs of the heavenly bodies had more attractions than those of earthly stars upon the spectacular stage?

So affairs went on swimmingly between the Professor of Mathematics and the Junior Class at Polyp University.  In every man of the seventy the sage saw the logarithm of a possible La Place, of a Sturm, or of a Newton.  It was a delightful task for him to lead them through the pleasant valleys of conic sections, and beside the still waters of the integral calculus.  Figuratively speaking, his problem was not a hard one.  He had only to manipulate, and eliminate, and to raise to a higher power, and the triumphant result of examination day was assured.

But I was a disturbing element, a perplexing unknown quantity, which had somehow crept into the work, and which seriously threatened to impair the accuracy of his calculations.  It was a touching sight to behold the venerable mathematician as he pleaded with me not so utterly to disregard precedent in the use of cotangents; or as he urged, with eyes almost tearful, that ordinates were dangerous things to trifle with.  All in vain.  More theorems went on to my cuff than into my head.  Never did chalk do so much work to so little purpose.  And, therefore, it came that Furnace Second was reduced to zero in Professor Surd’s estimation.  He looked upon me with all the horror which an unalgebraic nature could inspire.  I have seen the Professor walk around an entire square rather than meet the man who had no mathematics in his soul.

For Furnace Second were no invitations to Professor Surd’s house.  Seventy of the class supped in delegations around the periphery of the Professor’s tea-table.  The seventy-first knew nothing of the charms of that perfect ellipse, with its twin bunches of fuchsias and geraniums in gorgeous precision at the two foci.