No; I am not joking.  If you don’t believe me, pray look back through the reports and you will find it all there.  I don’t recollect the official’s name, but it ought to have been Pooh-Bah.  Well, Pooh-Bah said all these things, and when asked whether he really meant it, intimated his readiness to give the subject more of “his best consideration”—­for another ten years or so apparently—­but he believed, oh yes! he was certain, that had there been fewer boats there would have been more people saved.  Really, when reading the report of this admirably conducted inquiry one isn’t certain at times whether it is an Admirable Inquiry or a felicitous opera-bouffe of the Gilbertian type—­with a rather grim subject, to be sure.

Yes, rather grim—­but the comic treatment never fails.  My readers will remember that in the number of The English Review for May, 1912, I quoted the old case of the Arizona, and went on from that to prophesy the coming of a new seamanship (in a spirit of irony far removed from fun) at the call of the sublime builders of unsinkable ships.  I thought that, as a small boy of my acquaintance says, I was “doing a sarcasm,” and regarded it as a rather wild sort of sarcasm at that.  Well, I am blessed (excuse the vulgarism) if a witness has not turned up who seems to have been inspired by the same thought, and evidently longs in his heart for the advent of the new seamanship.  He is an expert, of course, and I rather believe he’s the same gentleman who did not see his way to fit water-tight doors to bunkers.  With ludicrous earnestness he assured the Commission of his intense belief that had only the Titanic struck end-on she would have come into port all right.  And in the whole tone of his insistent statement there was suggested the regret that the officer in charge (who is dead now, and mercifully outside the comic scope of this inquiry) was so ill-advised as to try to pass clear of the ice.  Thus my sarcastic prophecy, that such a suggestion was sure to turn up, receives an unexpected fulfilment.  You will see yet that in deference to the demands of “progress” the theory of the new seamanship will become established:  “Whatever you see in front of you—­ram it fair. . .”  The new seamanship!  Looks simple, doesn’t it?  But it will be a very exact art indeed.  The proper handling of an unsinkable ship, you see, will demand that she should be made to hit the iceberg very accurately with her nose, because should you perchance scrape the bluff of the bow instead, she may, without ceasing to be as unsinkable as before, find her way to the bottom.  I congratulate the future Transatlantic passengers on the new and vigorous sensations in store for them.  They shall go bounding across from iceberg to iceberg at twenty-five knots with precision and safety, and a “cheerful bumpy sound”—­as the immortal poem has it.  It will be a teeth-loosening, exhilarating experience.  The decorations will be Louis-Quinze, of course, and the cafe shall remain open all night.  But what about the priceless Sevres porcelain and the Venetian glass provided for the service of Transatlantic passengers?  Well, I am afraid all that will have to be replaced by silver goblets and plates.  Nasty, common, cheap silver.  But those who will go to sea must be prepared to put up with a certain amount of hardship.