* * * * *

THE ARTISETTE.

    (An Engineering School for Women
     has been started in Scotland.)

  What if my lady should appear
  In a mechanic’s grimy gear? 
  I shall not squeamishly decline
    To figure at her shrine.

  If Vulcan’s smoky sway precludes
  An assignation in the woods,
  I shall not linger less elate
    Outside the foundry gate.

  When she knocks off at eventide
  I’ll flutter fondly to her side,
  And demonstrate that grease and oil
    Can’t loosen love’s sweet coil.

  Most tenderly my tongue shall wag
  To Amaryllis on the slag,
  Whilst I endeavour to confine
    Her horny hand in mine.

* * * * *

PERSONAL.

    “Pat.  Don’t be disappointed.  Nothing amis.  Iris.”—­Calcutta
    Statesman.

Only a letter gone astray.

* * * * *

    “Apartments (furnished and unfurnished) to be let, outside
    air radius.”—­Daily Telegraph.

A little suffocating, perhaps.

* * * * *

    “If a million quarter acres in the country were left uncultivated,
    the result would be that a quarter of a million acres would be
    left uncultivated.”—­Scotch Paper.

Examined and found correct.

* * * * *

Extract from a speech by Lord SELBORNE:—­

    “In that ouse Capital was very fully represented—­he thought
    over-represented.”—­Daily Telegraph.

The printer seems to have thought so too, when he cut the capital out.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  THE HIGHWAYMAN.

“TAXI!  TAXI!”

“WHAT ABAHT IT?”

“I WANT TO GO TO HAMPSTEAD.”

“DO YER?”

“I’LL DOUBLE YOUR LEGAL FARE.”

“DOUBLE THAT AGIN AN’ I’LL TAKE YER—­’ALF-WAY.”

“AN’, MIND YER, I WOULDN’T ’AVE BROUGHT YER AS FAR AS THIS ONLY I ’APPENED TO ‘AVE BIN COMIN’ ANY’OW.  I LIVE UP ’ERE.”]

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Officer (returning to France in heavy sea).  “I—­HOPE—­TO—­HEAVENS—­THE NEXT—­WAR THEY HAVE—­WILL—­BE—­IN ENGLAND.”]

* * * * *

NIGHTMARES.

I.

    OF A FORM MASTER WHO DREAMS THAT HE HAS CALLED ON THE WAR
    CORRESPONDENT OF “THE DAILY MAIL” FOR A LITERAL TRANSLATION
    OF THE CAESAR’S DE BELLO GALLICO.