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LE FRANCAIS TEL QUE L’ON LE PARLE.

It was on my journey to Paris that I ran across little Prior in the train.  He too was going, he said, on Peace Conference work.  His is a communicative disposition and before we had fairly started on our journey he had unfolded his plans.  He said the Conference was bound to last a long time, and as a resident in a foreign country he had a splendid opportunity to learn the language.  He meant, he said, to get to know it thoroughly later on.  He then produced his French Pronouncing Handbook.

I thought I knew French pretty well until I saw that book.  It gave Prior expressions to use in the most casual conversation that I have never heard of in my life.  It had a wonderful choice of words.  Only an experienced philologist could have told you their exact origin.

The handbook had foreseen every situation likely to arise abroad; and I think it overrated one’s ordinary experiences.  I have known people who have resided in France for years and never once had occasion to ask a billiard-marker if he would “Envoyer-nous des crachoirs.”  Most people can rub along on a holiday quite cheerfully without a spittoon; but then the handbook never meant you to be deprived of home comforts for the want of asking.

Nor did it intend, with all its oily phraseology, that you should be imposed on.  There is a scene in a “print-shop” over the authenticity of an engraving which gets to an exceedingly painful climax.

A good deal of reliance is placed on the innate courtesy of the French.  For it appears that, after an entire morning spent at the stationer’s, when the shop-keeper has discussed every article he has for sale, you wind up by saying, “Je prendrai une petite bouteille d’encre noire,” and all that long-suffering man retorts is, “J’voo zangvairay ler pah-kay,” which is not nearly so bolshevistic as it looks.

Prior said he was going to start to speak French directly he got on board the steamer—­he had learnt that part off by heart already.  The first remark he must make was, “Send the Captain to me at once.”  There is no indication of riot or uproar at this.  Evidently the Captain is brought without the slightest difficulty, for in the very next line we find Prior saying, “Etes-vous le Capitaine?” and he goes on to inquire about his berth.

The Captain tells him everything there is to know about berths and then apparently offers to take down his luggage, for Prior is commanding, “Take care of my carpet-bag, if you please.”

They then begin to discuss the weather.  “In what quarter is the wind?” asks the indefatigable Prior.

“The wind,” says the Captain, “is in the north, in the south, in the east, in the south-west.  It will be a rough passage.  It will be very calm.”

Prior does not seem to observe that the Captain appears to be hedging.  This wealth of information even pleases him, and then quite abruptly he demands, “Donnez-moi une couverture,” because, as he goes on to explain, he “feels very sick.”  This gives the “Capitaine” an opportunity to escape.  He says, “I will send the munitionnaire.”