“I venture to suggest, dear, that the thing is beyond a joke.  When I next go to the coal-monger’s I shall say in reply to the inevitable question, ’A little coal-dust in the cellar and a good deal on the chairs and tables and on my hands and face;’ and I know he will say:  ’You are lucky to have even that.  There are millions in this town who, etc., etc.’  And so the thing will go on until one day he asks, ’Have you no fuel at all?’ when I can hear myself replying, ’Only two chairs and one wardrobe,’ and he will reply icily, ’You are lucky to have that.  Everybody else is dead because they had not even that.’

“And Frederic,” I added abruptly, “as a coal-miner I demand the minimum wage for my day—­your hot bath to-morrow morning.”

* * * * *

[Illustration:  A MORNING IN THE HOME LIFE OF AN EMOTIONAL ACTRESS.]

* * * * *

[Illustration:  “MY DEAR, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO THE LINKS TO-DAY?”

“OH, YES, AUNTIE.  I SHALL TRY AND PUT IN A ROUND.”

“BUT IT’S POURING!  WHY, I WOULDN’T SEND A DOG OUT TO GOLF IN SUCH WEATHER.”]

* * * * *

DEMOBILISATION.

THE SITUATION MADE CLEAR.

“It is quite clear,” said the Adjutant, “that Second-Lieut.  X must stay.”

“Of course,” said the G.O.C.  Demobs, or, as he is more often called, “Mobbles.”  “He stays because he doesn’t go.”

“Yes,” said the Adjutant’s child full, like the elephant’s child, of insatiable curiosity, “X stays because he is retained for selection until he is selected for retention, or, to put it more clearly, he belongs to a class which could go if it had any reason for going and if it wanted to go and wasn’t retained as eligible or wasn’t eligible for retention.  In other words he is in one of the two classes—­those who are available to go and those who are eligible to stay.”

“Or, conversely,” said Mobbles, “those who are available to stay and those who are eligible to go.”

“Exactly,” said the Adjutant; “but which?”

“The other,” said the Adjutant’s child.  “Now, if he was only in the same boat as Y, the position would be different.  Y is here because, though eligible for release, he is available for retention.”

“The problem appeared quite simple at first,” said the Adjutant, “but now you’ve made it all muddy.”

“It is simply this,” said Mobbles; “is he eligible for retention or merely available for release?  If the former, is he available for demobilisation, and if the latter, is he eligible for retention?  No; what I mean is just this—­Is he here or is he—­No; I’ll start again.  Is he retained, and if not why not?”

“Exactly,” said the Adjutant’s child.  “Is he under’ thirty-seven, and if so why was he born in 1874, or, to put it quite clearly—­”

“Shut up,” said the Adjutant.  “I want to get it clear before you confuse me again.  We’ll start afresh.  X is eligible to go because he joined the Army before 1916.  On the other hand, being under thirty-seven, he must stay.”