WE PLAN A RIVER TRIP[1]

[Footnote 1:  This selection, with On Comic Songs, which follows, is taken from Three Men in a Boat, by Jerome K. Jerome The complete title of the book is Three Men in a Boat (To say nothing of the Dog)]

By JEROME K. JEROME

There were four of us—­George, and William Samuel Harris, and myself, and Montmorency.  We were sitting in my room, smoking and talking about how bad we were—­bad from a medical point of view I mean, of course.

We were all feeling seedy, and we were getting quite nervous about it.  Harris said he felt such extraordinary fits of giddiness come over him at times, that he hardly knew what he was doing; and then George said that he had fits of giddiness, too, and hardly knew what he was doing.  With me, it was my liver that was out of order.  I knew it was my liver that was out of order, because I had just been reading a patent liver-pill circular, in which were detailed the various symptoms by which a man could tell when his liver was out of order.  I had them all.

It is a most extraordinary thing, but I never read a patent medicine advertisement without being impelled to the conclusion that I am suffering from the particular disease therein dealt with, in its most virulent form.  The diagnosis seems in every case to correspond exactly with all the sensations that I have ever felt.

I remember going to the British Museum one day to read up the treatment for some slight ailment of which I had a touch—­hay fever, I fancy it was.  I got down the book, and read all I came to read; and then, in an unthinking moment, I idly turned the leaves, and began indolently to study diseases generally.  I forget which was the first distemper I plunged into—­some fearful, devastating scourge, I know—­and, before I had glanced half down the list of “premonitory symptoms,” it was borne in upon me that I had fairly got it.

I sat for a while, frozen with horror; and then, in the listlessness of despair, I again turned over the pages.  I came to typhoid fever—­read the symptoms—­discovered that I had typhoid fever, must have had it for months without knowing it—­wondered what else I had got; turned up Saint Vitus’s Dance—­found, as I had expected, that I had that, too—­began to get interested in my case, and determined to sift it to the bottom, and so started alphabetically—­read up ague, and learned that I was sickening for it, and that the acute stage would commence in about another fortnight.  Bright’s disease, I was relieved to find, I had only in a modified form, and, so far as that was concerned, I might live for years.  Cholera I had, with severe complications; and diphtheria I seemed to have been born with.  I plodded conscientiously through the twenty-six letters, and the only malady I could conclude I had not got was housemaid’s knee.