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[Illustration:  “No, madam. NINE GUINEAS—­not Nine-and-NINEPENCE.”]

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“The pores of the ordinary individual,” says a, weekly paper, “would reach nearly forty miles if placed end to end.”  We hope that nothing of the kind will be attempted, as the traffic difficulties are bad enough already.

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A Thames bargee is reported to have sworn at a policeman for eleven minutes without stopping.  We understand that there is talk of having the oration set to music.

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Considerable damage has been caused in the Isle of Wight by rats.  A description of the offenders has been furnished to the police.

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In order to cope with the traffic problem the L.G.O.  Company have placed one hundred additional omnibuses on the London streets.  This is such an admirable solution of a serious difficulty that people are wondering what member of the Government first suggested it.

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Despite the fact that his wife has attempted to shoot him eleven times a Detroit architect declares that he will never leave her.  He appears to be one of those men who can never take a hint.

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Mr. F.M.B.  Fisher reports that in New Zealand some convicts recently went on hunger-strike because a band played outside the prison.  It seems that their ground of complaint was that this was not included in the sentence.

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A correspondent writing to The Daily News points out that the reign of Satan has been cut short by eighty thousand years, and that the end of the world is at hand.  Several people in search of flats are now wondering whether it is worth while after all.

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Mr. Sean T.O.  Kelly, the Sinn Fein M.P., has handed M. Clemenceau a copy of the “Declaration of Independence of Ireland.”  Other means have also been employed to entertain and amuse the distinguished invalid during his enforced rest.

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We understand that a West-End lady has just been appointed mistress to a young parlourmaid.

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We hear that the soldier who, after being demobilised, at once returned to barracks in order to say a few suitable words to his late sergeant-major, was put off on being told that he would have to take his turn in the queue.

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The pre-war Habit.

    “Clerk (male) quick and accurate at figures; one used to wages
    preferred.”—­Daily Paper.

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    “The engine, which is based on the principle of the turbine, is
    designed to produce 30,000 revolutions a minute.”—­Daily Paper.

Bolshevists please note.

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