I answered, ‘it wasn’t more than that this morning.’  The fat man was very angry.  He said he would report me to the committee, and he did.  But the secretary (who happens to be my brother) played up nobly.  He communicated with the secretary of the fat man’s club, whom he happened to know, and, having found out that the fat man’s handicap was not 6 but 12, he wrote to him to say that in view of the fact that ’the lies had been equally bad on both sides’ the committee did not propose to take any action.  The fat man got no change out of my brother and I kept my sovereign.”

* * * * *

The Globe Trotters.

  “Mr. and Mrs. ——­, of Knysna, are on a
  visit to Knysna.”—­South African Paper.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  THE MAYOR AND CORPORATION OF SPARKLINGTON-ON-SEA SOLEMNLY TOUCHING WOOD ON THE OCCASION OF THEIR SENDING OUT TO THE PRESS A NOTICE THAT THEIR TOWN HAS NEVER SUFFERED FROM ENEMY AIR-RAIDS.]

* * * * *

V.A.D.

  There’s an angel in our ward as keeps a-flittin’ to and fro
  With fifty eyes upon ’er wherever she may go;
  She’s as pretty as a picture and as bright as mercury,
  And she wears the cap and apron of a V.A.D.

  The Matron she is gracious and the Sister she is kind,
  But they wasn’t born just yesterday and lets you know their mind;
  The M.O. and the Padre is as thoughtful as can be,
  But they ain’t so good to look at as our V.A.D.

  She’s a honourable miss because ’er father is a dook,
  But, Lord, you’d never guess it and it ain’t no good to look
  For ’er portrait in the illustrated papers, for you see
  She ain’t an advertiser, not our V.A.D.

  Not like them that wash a tea-cup in an orficer’s canteen
  And then “Engaged in War Work” in the weekly Press is seen;
  She’s on the trot from morn to night and busy as a bee,
  And there’s ’eaps of wounded Tommies bless that V.A.D.

  She’s the lightest ’and at dressin’s and she polishes the floor,
  She feeds Bill Smith who’ll never never use ’is ’ands no more;
  And we’re all of us supporters of the harristocracy
  ’Cos our weary days are lightened by that V.A.D.

  And when the War is over, some knight or belted earl,
  What’s survived from killin’ Germans, will take ’er for ’is girl;
  They’ll go and see the pictures and then ’ave shrimps and tea;
  ’E’s a lucky man as gets ’er—­and don’t I wish ’twas me!

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch’s Staff of Learned Clerks.)