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[Illustration:  Cook (allowing herself to be engaged).  “ONE MORE QUESTION, M’LADY.  CAN YOU COOK?”

Her Ladyship.  “REALLY, I DON’T THINK THAT NEED MATTER.”

Cook.  “OH—­DON’T IT?  I WANT TO KNOW WHO’S GOING TO BE THE REAL MISTRESS.”]

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THE GREAT COLD-CURE DEBATE.

In view of the prevalence of colds and the varying counsels given to their patients by our leading so-called healers, a mass meeting of doctors and public men was recently convened, with the hope that some useful results might follow.

None did.

The Chairman in his opening remarks said that colds were at once the commonest complaints to which human beings were subject and the least understood by the faculty.  It was scandalous that so little serious attention should be paid to them by physicians.  A scientific investigator should be as proud of discovering a preventive for colds as a scheme of wireless telegraphy.  But it was not so.  Researchers were applauded for compounding new and more deadly explosives and poisonous gas, while the whole mystery of colds remained unplumbed.  The situation was scandalous. (Loud sneezes.)

Letters were read, among others, from Lord NORTHCLIFFE, Mr. SNOWDEN and Sir JOHN SIMON, all saying that from recent experience they could affirm that an equable cold temperature was conducive to the avoidance of catarrh.  In short, an excellent means of escaping cold was to be out in the cold.

A representative of the Board of Trade said that all that was necessary to avoid colds was to keep fit and not approach infection.  Having offered this very practical advice the speaker gathered up his papers and left the room.

Sir Septicus Jermyn, the famous physician, urged that the best preventive for colds was to keep warm.  One should wear plenty of thick clothing and especially cover the neck and throat.  A respirator was an excellent thing.  He even went so far as to recommend earflaps to his patients, with beneficial results.  A night-cap was also a great help.

Sir Eufus Hardy, the famous physician, protested that colds were for the most part negligible.  People took them much too seriously.  The best treatment was to be Spartan—­wear the lightest clothes, abjure mufflers, and, whenever you could find a draught, sit in it.

Mr. BERNARD SHAW said that all this cold-catching was nonsense.  He personally had never had a cold in his life.  And why?  Because he lived healthily; he wore natural wool, retained his beard, ate no meat and drank no wine.  Lunatics who wore fancy tweeds, shaved, devoured their fellow-creatures and imbibed poisonous acids were bound to catch cold.  Resuming his Jaeger halo, Mr. SHAW then left.

Sir Bluffon Gay, the famous physician, stated that in his experience colds were necessary evils which often served useful ends in clearing the system.  For that reason he was against any treatment that served to stop them.  The “instantaneous cold cures” which were advertised so freely filled him with suspicion.  Colds should be unfettered.