The Best American Humorous Short Stories eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 365 pages of information about The Best American Humorous Short Stories.

The Best American Humorous Short Stories eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 365 pages of information about The Best American Humorous Short Stories.

“I told him that I had not the slightest idea of selling my spectacles.

“‘My young friend means to eat them, I suppose,’ said he with a contemptuous smile.

“I made no reply, but was turning to leave the office, when the merchant called after me—­

“’My young friend, poor people should never suffer themselves to get into pets.  Anger is an expensive luxury, in which only men of a certain income can indulge.  A pair of spectacles and a hot temper are not the most promising capital for success in life, Master Titbottom.’

“I said nothing, but put my hand upon the door to go out, when the merchant said more respectfully,—­

“’Well, you foolish boy, if you will not sell your spectacles, perhaps you will agree to sell the use of them to me.  That is, you shall only put them on when I direct you, and for my purposes.  Hallo! you little fool!’ cried he impatiently, as he saw that I intended to make no reply.

“But I had pulled out my spectacles, and put them on for my own purpose, and against his direction and desire.  I looked at him, and saw a huge bald-headed wild boar, with gross chops and a leering eye—­only the more ridiculous for the high-arched, gold-bowed spectacles, that straddled his nose.  One of his fore hoofs was thrust into the safe, where his bills payable were hived, and the other into his pocket, among the loose change and bills there.  His ears were pricked forward with a brisk, sensitive smartness.  In a world where prize pork was the best excellence, he would have carried off all the premiums.

“I stepped into the next office in the street, and a mild-faced, genial man, also a large and opulent merchant, asked me my business in such a tone, that I instantly looked through my spectacles, and saw a land flowing with milk and honey.  There I pitched my tent, and stayed till the good man died, and his business was discontinued.

“But while there,” said Titbottom, and his voice trembled away into a sigh, “I first saw Preciosa.  Spite of the spectacles, I saw Preciosa.  For days, for weeks, for months, I did not take my spectacles with me.  I ran away from them, I threw them up on high shelves, I tried to make up my mind to throw them into the sea, or down the well.  I could not, I would not, I dared not look at Preciosa through the spectacles.  It was not possible for me deliberately to destroy them; but I awoke in the night, and could almost have cursed my dear old grandfather for his gift.  I escaped from the office, and sat for whole days with Preciosa.  I told her the strange things I had seen with my mystic glasses.  The hours were not enough for the wild romances which I raved in her ear.  She listened, astonished and appalled.  Her blue eyes turned upon me with a sweet deprecation.  She clung to me, and then withdrew, and fled fearfully from the room.  But she could not stay away.  She could not resist my voice, in whose tones burned all the love that

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The Best American Humorous Short Stories from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.