The real “HAMLET”—­if there ever was such a person—­would have shown the traditional thrift and enterprise of his race by a very different course of conduct.  After the interview with the GHOST he would have had a private audience with the KING, and there would have ensued a scene somewhat like the following one.  Of course he would not have talked in blank verse.  The world has never properly condemned the outrageous cheek with which SHAKESPEARE has attempted to make us believe that blank verse was ever the ordinary speech of sensible men.

HAMLET.—­“I have a little business to settle with your majesty.”

KING.—­“Well! out with it; I’ve got an appointment with the German Ambassador about that Schleswig-Holstein business at 2 o’clock, and can only spare you ten minutes.”

HAMLET.—­“I want to be appointed collector of the port of Copenhagen, with a salary of ten thousand dollars a month besides the fees.  Also, I want to marry OPHELIA, and to be recognized as the heir apparent to your throne.”

KING.—­“Well!  I rather like your cheek.  Do you mistake me for an American President, that you ask me to appoint one of my own relations to the fattest office in my gift?  Why you impertinent young scoundrel!”

HAMLET.—­“Draw it mild, if you please.  The reason why I ask these favors of you is, that if granted they will prevent me from talking in my sleep.”

KING (aside).—­“He’s got ’em at last.  I knew he would, if he kept company with politicians.” (To Hamlet.) “Are you drunk or crazy?  Not that it is of much consequence, but still I should like to know the reason of this impudence.”

HAMLET (in a sepulchral whisper).—­“Uncle!  I have seen a reliable gentleman who saw my late father die.  Now don’t do anything rash.  You see I know all.  Appoint me collector, and I’ll agree to think no more about it.  Refuse, and I shall take the course that filial love and duty prompt.”

KING.—­“There is no need of any dispute between relatives on such a little matter as this appointment.  I appreciate your business capacity.  Swear to forget the nonsense you have hinted at, and you shall be collector.  Is it a bargain?”

HAMLET.—­“It is.”

Here the play would naturally end, and the audience would feel that both “HAMLET” and the “KING” had conducted themselves in a creditable manner.  By such a change as this, Hamlet becomes a rational and enjoyable play.  But will, you ever find a REFORMING NUISANCE who will offer to improve Hamlet?  Not a bit of it.  There is nothing which your NUISANCE is more reluctant to do than to engage in any really useful work.

“OTHELLO” is another idiotic person, who spoils what would otherwise have been a respectable play, by his stupid jealousy.  How much better would the drama have been had the fifth act proceeded in this wise:—­

OTHELLO.—­“Desdy, my dear, are you in bed?”