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[Illustration:  Waiter. “DID YOU SAY A PLAIN STEW, SIR?”

Gruff Customer. “OF COURSE I SAID A PLAIN STEW, YOU AGGRAVATING BABOON—­SO PLAIN THAT I CAN SEE IT!”]

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WAR DESPATCHES MADE EASY

BERLIN, December 12.—­A despatch from King WILLIAM to Queen AUGUSTA has reached this city by telegraph.

[The King WILLIAM above mentioned is a native of Prussia, in which country he is frequently spoken of as Koenig WILHELM.  Queen AUGUSTA is his wife.  They have been married several years.  Some children, one of whom is popularly known as OUR FRITZ, are the fruit of their union.  The King has been absent from home a few months, and his wife must have been much pleased to get a despatch from him.]

TOURS, December 12.—­Prussian troops, fully armed and equipped, have lately been observed by some of the French outposts.

[Prussian troops have been in France since the early part of August.  They entered by force, and have refused to leave, though several times requested to do so.  Their presence is not desired by the inhabitants, who are chiefly hostile to them:  several attempts to eject them have failed.  They wear clothing, and some have whiskers, and they carry a weapon called Zuendnadelgewehr.  The time of their return to their own country has not yet been definitely agreed upon.]

LONDON, December 13.—­Balloon despatches from Paris have been received at Tours.  They contain information in regard to affairs within the beleaguered city.

[Paris is a city of several hundred thousand inhabitants.  It is located on the Seine, which is the name of a river that divides it.  It is also divided by some other things, principally political feeling.  Paris is well known by travellers.  It has been in its present location more than a thousand years, and will probably remain some time longer.  Although it has frequently been moved by great events, it is as stationary as any other city in the world.  It is at present surrounded by a Prussian army.]

BRUSSELS, December 13.—­Some carrier-pigeons have arrived here from the French capital, bearing important despatches.

[The carrier-pigeon is a bird.  It should not be confounded with the elephant or hippopotamus, and only the most ignorant persons would suppose any connection between them.  It flies through the air, as birds generally do, and though not lazy it lays.  The eggs of this bird are valuable.  When properly hatched they produce young pigeons, which often grow up and go into the express business like their parents.  The carrier-pigeon is not a modern invention, but was made simultaneously with other ornithological curiosities.]

TOURS, December 14.—­GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN has been arrested by the Government and committed to prison as a nuisance.