Grand total  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  656.22

I could not conceal from myself that the bill for damages was altogether too small; but as France is poor, and the demands upon her exchequer are great, I determined to send it just as it was, and wait in patience for the result.  I did so, and have been waiting ever since.  The recollection of what the Judge told JOHN BUNYAN when he sent him to jail keeps me up:  “Patient waiting, JOHN,” observed the philosophic magistrate, “is no loss.”  I try to fancy that I combine the patience of BUNYAN with the philosophy of the Judge, and in that belief subscribe myself, Bill-iously yours,

DICK TINTO.

* * * * *

GETTING MARRIED WITHOUT A MASTER.

IN FOUR EASY LESSONS.

Despond not, ye bachelors—­anybody can get married.  It’s as easy as rolling off from the roof of a six-story house, and quite as beneficial to the system.  I have known people who did this little business without intending to accomplish it, but they never crowed over it; and I have known others who have intentionally done it three or four times.  But everybody cannot do this work as it should be done.  It’s all very well for you to have an elegant creature of your own, dressed in a white robe and a blue ribbon; but, if you did not win her in the proper manner, you feel degraded every time you gaze on her.  Style is everything in this business.  For the benefit of the rising generation I have written this little treatise, which will elucidate all the mysteries of the marriage business, and will make every man his own guide to wedded bliss.

CHAPTER I.

FINDING THE GAME.

The true sportsman in this field is very wary.  He casts his optics around him until he finds the bird for which he thinks he had better go.  A vast amount of skill can properly be expended here.  If the hunter is young and rich, he can go for almost anything; if he is verging towards gray hair and false teeth, he must not demand too much in the way of beauty or money.  If he has reached the well-preserved period, he can have youth or beauty, but not wealth.  No true sportsman ever goes for brains, because it is almost impossible to find them, and, when found, they are very unsatisfactory.

If the bird is an orphan, examine the books in the Surrogate’s office until you find her father’s will; if her papa is still alive and kicking, persuade her to take his bank-book into the back kitchen and there count the shekels.  Never let your heart get into the mess, for that complicates matters.

If you have a hankering for widows, never run after one who has been in the business more than once.  They become so knowing after two or three trials.  Besides, there is a fatality about some women—­they’re bound to be widows.  Furthermore, widows have a way of appearing to be loaded down with ducats, when, in reality, they are pawning the late defunct’s unmentionables for the means of existence.