PHILIP.—­“But I’ve been to a good deal of expense about her.  Her clothes have cost me no end of money, and there are all our new children besides.  Children, let me tell you, are a great deal more expensive now than they were in your day.  Now, I’ll give you twenty thousand dollars, and your wife, and we’ll call it square.”

ENOCH.—­“No, sir.  I don’t want the wife, and I insist on more than twenty thousand dollars.  I’ve got you entirely in my power, and you know it.  I’ll come down to forty thousand dollars, but not a cent less.  Draw a check on the bank, or I’ll draw a revolver on you.  Be quick about it, too, for my hereditary insanity may develop itself at any moment.”

PHILIP.—­“Well, if I must, I must.  Here is your money.  How did you leave things at—­well, at the place you came from?  Everybody well, I hope?”

ENOCH.—­“There were no people, and consequently nothing to drink there.  Don’t speak of the wretched place.  Thanks for the check.  Hope you’ll find your wife satisfactory.  Let this be a warning to you, not to marry a widow another time, unless you have a sure thing.  Don’t believe her when she says her husband is dead, unless you have him dug up, and personally inspect his bones.  Thank you!  I will take another drink since you insist upon it.  Here’s luck!  You’ll agree with me that this is the best day’s work I have ever done.  Good-by.  I’m off to Chicago.”

Now, would not that be the way in which “ENOCH” would have acted had he been a practical business man?  You see the play thus altered is eminently probable, not to say realistic.  I have several more improved catastrophes, which, if substituted for the present ending of some of our more recent popular plays, would render them quite perfect. Hamlet especially needs changing in this respect.  Some of these days I will show the readers of PUNCHINELLO how SHAKSPEARE should have ended that drama.  I rather think they will agree with me, that SHAKSPEARE, clever as he doubtless was in certain respects, knew very little about writing plays that should be at once effective and probable.

MATADOR.

* * * * *

ON THE ROAD TO ROUEN.

 The Prussians.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  JOHN BULL DETECTS A BEAR-FACED INTRUDER UPON THE PRIVACY OF THE BLACK SEA.]

* * * * *

“AB”

I.

  Absinthe’s a cunning word
    Dram-drinkers to entice,
  It comes from a Greek root which means
    The opposite of nice.

II.

  The wormwood shrub its gall
    Essentially doth give
  To “ab” by which so many die. 
    For which so many live.

III.

  Its color is sea-green. 
    And should you enter where
  The blissful stimulant is sold. 
    You’ll see green people there.