“Ah!  I reckon the roan pony’s right:  You can’t ’ave the larst word with females!”

* * * * *

    “For sale—­A large stone gentleman’s diamond ring, set in a solid
    gold band.”—­Cork Examiner.

The National Museum should not fail to secure this remarkable relic of the Palaeolithic Age.

* * * * *

From a report of Mr. HENDERSON’S speech on Stockholm:—­

    “The Prime Minister has been in favour again.  What was a virtue in
    May ought of this conference once, and he may be so not to be a
    crime for us in August.”—­Daily Dispatch.

The Stockholm atmosphere appears to be fatal to clearness of statement.

* * * * *

SUAVITER IN MODO.

Profound stillness reigned in the wardroom of H.M.S. Sinister, broken only by the low tones of the Paymaster and the First Lieutenant disputing over the question of proportional representation and by the snores of the Junior Watchkeeper, stretched inelegantly on the sofa.  The rest of the occupants were in the coma induced by all-night coaling.  Into this haven of quiet burst the ship’s Doctor in a state of exaggerated despair.  He groaned and, sinking into a chair, mopped his forehead ostentatiously.  The disputants ceased their discussion and watched him intently as though he were some performing animal.

“Gentlemen,” said the Paymaster presently in tones of sepulchral gloom, “the neophyte of AESCULAPIUS, to whose care the inscrutable wisdom of Providence has entrusted our lives, is being excruciatingly funny.  Number One says it is belated remorse for the gallant servants of His Majesty whom he has consigned to an untimely grave.”

“Poor jesting fool,” said his victim, “little he knows that even now Heaven has prepared a punishment fitted even to his crimes.  I have seen it—­nay, I have spoken with it.”

“Suppose,” intervened the Commander, “that you postpone this contest of wits and let us have your news.”

“Certainly, Sir,” acquiesced the Doctor.  “It’s Pay’s new assistant.  He’s ...” the Doctor paused in search of adequate expression, “he’s here.  He is, I fancy, at this moment slapping the skipper on the back and asking him to have a drink.  He called me ‘old socks.’” The doctor shuddered.  “Then he said he expected this was some mess; Naval messes were always hot stuff.  He wanted to spin me yarns of his infant excesses, but I choked him off by telling him he ought to report to the skipper.  You’ll have to look after him, Pay.  That will give you some honest work for a change.”

It must be confessed that at lunch the newcomer justified the Doctor’s worst forebodings.  Afterwards the First Lieutenant and the Paymaster had an earnest colloquy.  Then the latter sought his new assistant; he found him gloomily turning over the pages of a six-months-old illustrated paper.