***

A woodworm in the timbering of Westminster Hall has been attacked with a gas-spray by the Board of Works.  The little fellow put up a gallant fight and died bravely defending his third line trenches against a vastly superior force.

***

The Vienna Neue Freie Presse says that so far L18,000,000,000 has been spent on the War.  But even those who contend that it might have been more cheaply done admit that the notice was too short to enable the belligerents to call for tenders.

***

In a Brixton tramway car the other morning Mr. Lloyd George, it is announced, had to borrow coppers from a companion to pay his fare.  The most popular explanation is that he had spent all his money in buying the latest editions of the evening papers.

***

According to the Acton magistrate, under new instructions boys over fourteen must pay their own fines or go to prison, parents paying the fines for those below that age.  This class legislation is bitterly resented by some of our younger wage-earners, who intend to insist upon their right to pay for their own amusements.

***

People living next door to a post-office where burglars blew open the safe thought it was an air raid and went into the cellar.  A suggestion that signals, clearly distinguishable from those used in air raids, should be used on these occasions, is under consideration in the right quarter.

***

The food controller has advised the Liverpool Corporation that vegetable marrows are not fruit.  There is a growing belief among jam manufacturers that Lord RHONDDA’S business ability has been overrated.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  A hint.

Unsuccessful Competitor at the Allotment-holders’ Show. “I ain’t making any complaint, Mr. Smith.  But W’EN the Fust prize for onions goes to the JUDGE’S brother-in-law and the Fust prize for MARRERS to ’is wife’s Grandfather, it makes Yer think A bit, that’s all.”]

* * * * *

Calling A cab.

    ["But how to get a cab without whistling—­that is the
    problem.”—­Evening News.]

A very good plan is to purchase a camp-stool and sit down in the Strand until a taxicab breaks down.  When you are sure that the driver is not looking step inside.

Taxi-drivers are human, and if caught young can be made so tame that they will take fares by the hand.

An excellent plan is to make a noise like a road under repair.  But be careful that the driver does not make a noise like a cab going over a human body.