my boarders a-listenin’ as if he wa’n’t
no older than my Benj. Franklin, and that schoolmistress
settin’ jest as if she’d been bewitched,
and you might stick pins into her without her hollerin’.
He was a master hand to talk when he got a-goin’.
But he never would have no disputes nor long argerments
at my table, and I liked him all the better for that;
for I had a boarder once that never let nothin’
go by without disputin’ of it, till nobody knowed
what he believed and what he didn’t believe,
only they was pretty sure he didn’t believe
the side he was a-disputin’ for, and some of
’em said, that, if you wanted him to go any
partickerlar way, you must do with him just as folks
do that drive—well, them obstinate creeturs
that squeal so,— for I don’t like
to name such creeturs in connexion with a gentleman
that paid his board regular, and was a very smart man,
and knowed a great deal, only his knowledge all laid
crosswise, as one of ’em used to say, after
t’other one had shet him up till his mouth wa’n’t
of no more use to him than if it had been a hole in
the back of his head. This wa’n’t
no sech gentleman. One of my boarders used to
say that he always said exactly what he was a mind
to, and stuck his idees out jest like them that sells
pears outside their shop-winders, —some
is three cents, some is two cents, and some is only
one cent, and if you don’t like, you needn’t
buy, but them’s the articles and them’s
the prices, and if you want ’em, take ’em,
and if you don’t, go about your business, and
don’t stand mellerin’ of ’em with
your thumbs all day till you’ve sp’ilt
’em for other folks.
He was a man that loved to stick round home as much
as any cat you ever see in your life. He used
to say he’d as lief have a tooth pulled as go
away anywheres. Always got sick, he said, when
he went away, and never sick when he didn’t.
Pretty nigh killed himself goin’ about lecterin’
two or three winters,—talkin’ in cold
country lyceums,—as he used to say,—goin’
home to cold parlors and bein’ treated to cold
apples and cold water, and then goin’ up into
a cold bed in a cold chamber, and comin’ home
next mornin’ with a cold in his head as bad
as the horse-distemper. Then he’d look kind
of sorry for havin’ said it, and tell how kind
some of the good women was to him,—how
one spread an edder-down comforter for him, and another
fixed up somethin’ hot for him after the lecter,
and another one said, —“There now,
you smoke that cigar of yours after the lecter, jest
as if you was at home,”—and if they’d
all been like that, he’d have gone on lectering
forever, but, as it was, he had got pooty nigh enough
of it, and preferred a nateral death to puttin’
himself out of the world by such violent means as
lecterin’.