I felt tears come into my eyes at the memory of her laughter, the true memory of the senses almost more penetrating than the reality itself.  It haunted me.  All that appertained to her haunted me with the same awful intimacy, her whole form in the familiar pose, her very substance in its colour and texture, her eyes, her lips, the gleam of her teeth, the tawny mist of her hair, the smoothness of her forehead, the faint scent that she used, the very shape, feel, and warmth of her high-heeled slipper that would sometimes in the heat of the discussion drop on the floor with a crash, and which I would (always in the heat of the discussion) pick up and toss back on the couch without ceasing to argue.  And besides being haunted by what was Rita on earth I was haunted also by her waywardness, her gentleness and her flame, by that which the high gods called Rita when speaking of her amongst themselves.  Oh, yes, certainly I was haunted by her but so was her sister Therese—­who was crazy.  It proved nothing.  As to her tears, since I had not caused them, they only aroused my indignation.  To put her head on my shoulder, to weep these strange tears, was nothing short of an outrageous liberty.  It was a mere emotional trick.  She would have just as soon leaned her head against the over-mantel of one of those tall, red granite chimney-pieces in order to weep comfortably.  And then when she had no longer any need of support she dispensed with it by simply telling me to go away.  How convenient!  The request had sounded pathetic, almost sacredly so, but then it might have been the exhibition of the coolest possible impudence.  With her one could not tell.  Sorrow, indifference, tears, smiles, all with her seemed to have a hidden meaning.  Nothing could be trusted. . .  Heavens!  Am I as crazy as Therese I asked myself with a passing chill of fear, while occupied in equalizing the ends of my neck-tie.

I felt suddenly that “this sort of thing” would kill me.  The definition of the cause was vague, but the thought itself was no mere morbid artificiality of sentiment but a genuine conviction.  “That sort of thing” was what I would have to die from.  It wouldn’t be from the innumerable doubts.  Any sort of certitude would be also deadly.  It wouldn’t be from a stab—­a kiss would kill me as surely.  It would not be from a frown or from any particular word or any particular act—­but from having to bear them all, together and in succession—­from having to live with “that sort of thing.”  About the time I finished with my neck-tie I had done with life too.  I absolutely did not care because I couldn’t tell whether, mentally and physically, from the roots of my hair to the soles of my feet—­whether I was more weary or unhappy.