BOLSHOV.  Come, all right!  Don’t you give ’em more than ten kopeks.  That’ll do for them.  Well, kiss each other!

LIPOCHKA and LAZAR do so.

AGRAFENA KONDRATYEVNA.  Ah, my little doves!  How in the world did it happen! 
I declare I’ve quite lost my head.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA.

    “Whoever heard or saw such things? 
    The elephant’s learning to fly with wings;
    The hen laid a door-knob instead of an egg;
    And piggy is dancing a jig on a keg!”

She pours out wine and goes up to RISPOLOZHENSKY; RISPOLOZHENSKY bows and declines the wine.

BOLSHOV.  Drink to their happiness, Sysoy Psoich.

RISPOLOZHENSKY.  I can’t, Samson Silych—­it turns my stomach!

BOLSHOV.  Go along with you!  Drink to their happiness.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA.  He’s always showing off!

RISPOLOZHENSKY.  It turns my stomach, Samson Silych!  By heaven, it does! 
I’ll just take a thimbleful of vodka.  But my nature won’t stand the other. 
I have such a weak constitution.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA.  Bah! you long-necked goose!  Nonsense—­much your nature won’t stand it!  Give it here.  I’ll pour it down his collar if he won’t drink it!

RISPOLOZHENSKY.  No fair, Ustinya Naumovna!  That ain’t nice for a lady to do.  Samson Silych, I can’t, sir!  Would I have refused it?  He! he! he!  What kind of a blockhead am I, that I should do anything so rude?  I’ve seen high society, I know how to live.  Now, I never refuse vodka; if you don’t mind, I’ll just take a thimbleful!  But this I simply can’t drink—­it turns my stomach.  Samson Silych, don’t you allow all this disorderly conduct; it’s easy to insult a man, but it ain’t nice.

BOLSHOV.  Give it to him hot and heavy, Ustinya Naumovna, hot and heavy!

RISPOLOZHENSKY runs away from her.

USTINYA NAUMOVNA. [Placing the wine on the table] You shan’t get away from me, you old son of a sea-cook! [She pushes him into a corner and seizes him by the collar.

RISPOLOZHENSKY.  Police!

All burst out laughing.

ACT IV

A richly furnished chamber in the house of PODKHALYUZIN

SCENE I

OLIMPIADA SAMSONOVNA is sitting luxuriously near the window; she wears a silk waist, and a bonnet of the latest fashion.  PODKHALYUZIN, in a stylish frock coat, stands before the mirror.  Behind him TISHKA is adjusting his master’s clothes, and adding the finishing touches.

TISHKA.  There now, it fits you to a T!

PODKHALYUZIN.  Well, Tishka, do I look like a Frenchman?  Ah!  Step away and look at me!

TISHKA.  Like as two peas.

PODKHALYUZIN.  Go along, you blockhead!  Now you just look at me. [He walks about the room] There now, Olimpiada Samsonovna!  And you wanted to marry an officer, ma’am!  Ain’t I a sport, though?  I picked the smartest coat I could find and put it on.