“Well, what’s up with ye?”

“I told ye.  Ma candle keeps going oot.  What’s up yon?”
       * * * * *
When the B.M. got back he found a one-sided war in progress on the
telephone.  The G.O.C. had heated up the wires to red-heat.

“Is that you, Nessel?  Where the devil have you been?  This noise is still going on.  Tell me what it is.  No-dam-nonsense-now.  Let’s have it.”

“If you want to know and you don’t mind the Bosch hearing what I say, Sir, the dump, the French dump, has b-blown itself to b-blazes.”

“Why the devil couldn’t you say so before?”

Every dog has his day.  With a full and fatuous smile the Brigade-Major picked up a paper and began:  “Reference your G. 245/348/24 of the 29th inst.  It says that—­”

Somebody must have taken a bone away from a dog at the other end.  He growled horribly.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Flapper (shyly). “COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT A STAMP STUCK ON AT THAT ANGLE MEANS IN THE LANGUAGE OF POSTAGE-STAMPS?”]

* * * * *

From an account of the Ministerial crisis in Sweden:—­

    “Two imperialist minstrels, however, Von Melsted and
    Lengquist, did quite enough mischief.”—­Daily Mail.

Members of the pro-German band, no doubt.

* * * * *

Mr. Punch desires to record thanks to the innumerable correspondents who have drawn his attention to the statement in The Daily Chronicle that among the German officers who escaped and were afterwards recaptured was “Von Thelan, a lieutenant in the lying corps.”  The existence of this unit in the German Army has, as most of them point out, been long suspected, but never officially confirmed till now.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  The Colonel’s Daughter.  “WHAT A WONDERFUL VOICE AND WHAT A PERFECT ARTIST!”

The Colonel.  “DON’T THINK MUCH OF HIM!  HE’S GOT A POCKET UNBUTTONED.”]

* * * * *

TIPS FOR NON-TIPPERS.

    ["If taxi-cab fares are increased it will put a stop to
    tipping.”—­Evening Paper.]

Only really robust men should refuse to tip the taxi-driver.  Many a City man has set out in the morning intent on giving no tips and has not been heard of afterwards.

To enable timid men to avoid a tip, the police are providing taxi-drivers with antiseptic mouthpieces, through which their words may be sterilised.

If the driver insists on a tip do not threaten to take his number.  Just take it and run.  If you haven’t time for both, just run.

* * * * *

    “ALL-WOOL Black Cashmere Stockings, winter weight. 1/111/2
    and 2/6 per yard.” Advt. in Scotch Paper.