Sir HENRY WOOD’S project to play TCHAIKOVSKY’S “1812” in such perfect time that the audience will have the pleasure of hearing our anti-aircraft men supply the big-gun effects, although laudable, is, it is feared, doomed to failure.

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There was no air raid over London on Wednesday the 26th.  The sudden noise (which happily produced no panic) in His Majesty’s Theatre was merely Miss LILY BRAYTON dropping the clothes she was not wearing.

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A CONSTANT RAIDER writes:—­“It is understood that the German airmen’s motto—­borrowed, without acknowledgment, from the dental profession—­is ‘We spare no panes.’”

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In view of recent events Miss TENNYSON JESSE is considering whether her new novel, Secret Bread, should be renamed Air-raided Bread.

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Mr. CHARLES COCHRAN is very anxious that it should be known that not a single bomb hit him.  Had any of them done so, the consequences might have been very serious.  This happy immunity being his, he wishes it also to be known that his various and meritorious theatres are doing even more astonishing business than before.

* * * * *

Mr. COCHRAN, however, together with other theatrical managers, has a dangerous rival.  The raids are threatening to ruin the matinees now so prevalent by setting up counter attractions.  The thousands of people (not only errand-boys) who now stand all day to watch the workmen mend a hole in the roadway caused by a bomb would otherwise, but for this engrossing and never tedious spectacle, be in this theatre or that.

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Mr. HALL CAINE telegraphs from the Isle of Man that no bombs having fallen there he remains intact.

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[Illustration:  “GOOD NEWS, LADS; WE’VE GOT A CHANGE FER TEA TO-NIGHT.”  “WHAT IS IT?” “ROUND BISCUITS INSTEAD O’ SQUARE ONES.”]

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THE IDEAL LODGER.

    “Wanted, two Single Rooms, in private or boarding house; special
    arrangements for constant absence.”—­Australian Paper.

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LETTERS OF A GENERAL TO HIS SON

(ON OBTAINING A JUNIOR STAFF APPOINTMENT).

MY DEAR BOY,—­We both congratulate you heartily on your appointment.  Acting on your suggestion, I have hinted to your mother that her anxieties for your safety may be considerably lessened in consequence.  You will, of course, continue to address letters likely to cause her any apprehension to my club.  On entering this new phase of your career you will not take it amiss if I offer you a few words of practical advice:—­

1.  Do not neglect your advantages.  Always visit the line with a double mission, one for the right of the line and one for the left—­and see which they are shelling.