* * * * *

[Illustration:  Lady.  “WELL, MRS. GUBBINS, WHAT IS THE WEATHER GOING TO BE TO-DAY?”

Charwoman.  “OH, I DON’T KNOW, MUM.  I’M NOT MUCH OF A WEATHERCOCK.”]

* * * * *

MORE SEX PROBLEMS.

    “Wanted, a Blue Bull (Nilgai or Rojh).  Apply, stating sex,
    age, height and price.”—­Pioneer.

* * * * *

From a German communique:—­

    “On the eastern bank of the Mouse desperate fishing
    continues.”—­Edinburgh Evening Paper.

And the Bosch has caught more than he bargained for.

* * * * *

From the report of the meeting, in London, of the Executive Committee of the National Farmers’ Union:—­

    “Farmers had hundreds of acres of grass which they were willing
    to turn into meat, but were prevented from doing so.”

Mr. Punch thinks that the difficulty might be overcome if the meat were turned into the grass.

* * * * *

THE H.Q.  TOUCH.

  Command Headquarters (who, of course,
  Ride us as Cockneys ride a horse—­
  I mean, without considering
  The animal; the ride’s the thing)
  On Army Form—­I cannot think
  Precisely which; the form was pink—­
  Instructed Captain So-and-so,
  With certain other ranks, to go
  And at a given hour report,
  With rifles, such-and-such a sort,
  So many rounds of S.A.A. 
  Per man, and so much oats and hay
  Per horse (as specified and charged
  On War Establishments, enlarged,
  Revised and issued as amended);
  And here the said instruction ended,
  “Signed, Eustace Blank, G.S.O.3,
  For D.A.Q.A.M.A.G.” 
    The reason why the form was thus
  Truncated was—­alas for us!—­
  That Major Blank, a hasty man,
  Neglected his accustomed plan
  And failed, in short, to P.T.O.,
  So never told us where to go.

We drafted a polite reply:—­
“Your such a number, Fourth July;
Instructions touching destination
Requested, please, for information.” 
And Captain So-and-So and men
Donned and inspected kits. 
And then
Command Headquarters went and wired: 
“The draft in question not required. 
When any draft is wanted you
Will hear precisely what to do;
No error ever passes through
This office.  You will therefore not
In future tell US what is what;
WE know; and WE are on the spot. 
The G.O.C.-in-C. is much
Displeased.” 
The old Headquarters’ touch.

* * * * *

OUR SPOILT PETS.

“Cottage, suitable for pigs and poultry.”—­Birmingham
Daily Mail.

* * * * *