A CHAMBERMAID.

She is her mistress’s she secretary, and keeps the box of her teeth, her hair, and her painting very private.  Her industry is upstairs and downstairs, like a drawer; and by her dry hand you may know she is a sore starcher.  If she lie at her master’s bed’s feet, she is quit of the green sickness for ever, for she hath terrible dreams when she’s awake, as if she were troubled with the nightmare.  She hath a good liking to dwell in the country, but she holds London the goodliest forest in England to shelter a great belly.  She reads Greene’s works over and over, but is so carried away with the “Mirror of Knighthood,” she is many times resolved to run out of her self and become a lady-errant.  The pedant of the house, though he promise her marriage, cannot grow further inward with her; she hath paid for her credulity often, and now grows weary.  She likes the form of our marriage very well, in that a woman is not tied to answer to any articles concerning questions of virginity.  Her mind, her body, and clothes are parcels loosely tacked together, and for want of good utterance she perpetually laughs out her meaning.  Her mistress and she help to make away time to the idlest purpose that can be, either for love or money.  In brief, these chambermaids are like lotteries:  you may draw twenty ere one worth anything.

A PRECISIAN.

To speak no otherwise of this varnished rottenness than in truth and verity he is, I must define him to be a demure creature, full of oral sanctity and mental impiety; a fair object to the eye, but stark naught for the understanding, or else a violent thing much given to contradiction.  He will be sure to be in opposition with the Papist, though it be sometimes accompanied with an absurdity, like the islanders near adjoining unto China, who salute by putting off their shoes, because the men of China do it by their hats.  If at any time he fast, it is upon Sunday, and he is sure to feast upon Friday.  He can better afford you ten lies than one oath, and dare commit any sin gilded with a pretence of sanctity.  He will not stick to commit fornication or adultery so it be done in the fear of God and for the propagation of the godly, and can find in his heart to lie with any whore save the whore of Babylon.  To steal he holds it lawful, so it be from the wicked and Egyptians.  He had rather see Antichrist than a picture in the church window, and chooseth sooner to be half hanged than see a leg at the name of Jesus or one stand at the Creed.  He conceives his prayer in the kitchen rather than in the church, and is of so good discourse that he dares challenge the Almighty to talk with him extempore.  He thinks every organist is in the state of damnation, and had rather hear one of Robert Wisdom’s psalms than the best hymn a cherubim can sing.  He will not break wind without an apology or asking forgiveness, nor kiss a gentlewoman for fear of lusting after her.  He hath nicknamed all the prophets and apostles with his sons, and begets nothing but virtues for daughters.  Finally, he is so sure of his salvation, that he will not change places in heaven with the Virgin Mary, without boot.