A NEWSMONGER

Is a retailer of rumour that takes up upon trust and sells as cheap as he buys.  He deals in a perishable commodity that will not keep; for if it be not fresh it lies upon his hands and will yield nothing.  True or false is all one to him; for novelty being the grace of both, a truth grows stale as soon as a lie; and as a slight suit will last as well as a better while the fashion holds, a lie serves as well as truth till new ones come up.  He is little concerned whether it be good or bad, for that does not make it more or less news; and, if there be any difference, he loves the bad best, because it is said to come soonest; for he would willingly bear his share in any public calamity to have the pleasure of hearing and telling it.  He is deeply read in diurnals, and can give as good an account of Rowland Pepin, if need be, as another man.  He tells news, as men do money, with his fingers; for he assures them it comes from very good hands.  The whole business of his life is, like that of a spaniel, to fetch and carry news, and when he does it well he is clapped on the back and fed for it; for he does not take to it altogether, like a gentleman, for his pleasure, but when he lights on a considerable parcel of news, he knows where to put it off for a dinner, and quarter himself upon it until he has eaten it out; and by this means he drives a trade, by retrieving the first news to truck it for the first meat in season, and, like the old Roman luxury, ransacks all seas and lands to please his palate; for he imports his narratives from all parts within the geography of a diurnal, and eats as well upon the Russ and Polander as the English and Dutch.  By this means his belly is provided for, and nothing lies upon his hands but his back, which takes other courses to maintain itself by weft and stray silver spoons, straggling hoods and scarfs, pimping, and sets at L’Ombre.

A MODERN CRITIC

Is a corrector of the press gratis; and as he does it for nothing, so it is to no purpose.  He fancies himself clerk of Stationers’ Hall, and nothing must pass current that is not entered by him.  He is very severe in his supposed office, and cries, “Woe to ye scribes!” right or wrong.  He supposes all writers to be malefactors without clergy that claim the privilege of their books, and will not allow it where the law of the land and common justice does.  He censures in gross, and condemns all without examining particulars.  If they will not confess and accuse themselves, he will rack them until they do.  He is a committee-man in the commonwealth of letters, and as great a tyrant, so is not bound to proceed but by his own rules, which he will not endure to be disputed.  He has been an apocryphal scribbler himself; but his writings wanting authority, he grew discontent and turned apostate, and thence becomes so severe to those of his own profession.