and must weekly perform his task, or (beside the loss
which accrues to himself) he disappoints a number of
no small fools, whose discourse, discipline, and discretion
is drilled from his state-service. These you
shall know by their Monday’s mornings question,
a little before exchange time: Stationer, have
you any news? Which they no sooner purchase than
peruse; and, early by next morning (lest their country
friend should be deprived of the benefit of so rich
a prize), they freely vent the substance of it, with
some illustrations, if their understanding can furnish
them that way. He would make you believe that
he were known to some foreign intelligence, but I hold
him the wisest man that hath the least faith to believe
him. For his relations he stands resolute, whether
they become approved or evinced for untruths; which
if they be, he has contracted with his face never to
blush for the matter. He holds especial concurrence
with two philosophical sects, though he be ignorant
of the tenets of either: in the collection of
his observations he is peripatetical, for he walks
circularly; in the digestion of his relations he is
stoical, and sits regularly. He has an alphabetical
table of all the chief commanders, generals, leaders,
provincial towns, rivers, ports, creeks, with other
fitting materials to furnish his imaginary building.
Whisperings, mutterings, and bare suppositions are
sufficient grounds for the authority of his relations.
It is strange to see with what greediness this airy
chameleon, being all lungs and wind, will swallow
a receipt of news, as if it were physical; yea, with
what frontless insinuation he will screw himself into
the acquaintance of some knowing intelligencers, who,
trying the cask by his hollow sound, do familiarly
gull him. I am of opinion, were all his voluminous
centuries of fabulous relations compiled, they would
vie in number with the Iliads of many fore-running
ages. You shall many times find in his gazettas,
pasquils, and corrantos miserable distractions:
here a city taken by force long before it be besieged;
there a country laid waste before ever the enemy entered.
He many times tortures his readers with impertinencies,
yet are these the tolerablest passages throughout
all his discourse. He is the very landscape of
our age. He is all air; his ear always open to
all reports, which, how incredible soever, must pass
for current and find vent, purposely to get him current
money and delude the vulgar. Yet our best comfort
is, his chimeras live not long; a week is the longest
in the city, and after their arrival, little longer
in the country, which past they melt like butter,
or match a pipe, and so burn. But indeed, most
commonly it is the height of their ambition to aspire
to the employment of stopping mustard-pots, or wrapping
up pepper, powder, staves-aker, &c., which done, they
expire. Now for his habit, Wapping and Long Lane
will give him his character. He honours nothing
with a more endeared observance, nor hugs ought with