“Applications were not made till the fruit was on the trees,” said Lord RHONDDA’S minion, sharply.  “Ah, there’s a nice lot of plums.”

This seemed more satisfactory.

“Yes, isn’t there?” I said enthusiastically.  “Now I’m sure this makes up the amount all right.”

“Plums are stone fruit,” he observed stonily, “and you were allocated one hundredweight of sugar for your soft fruit, I believe?”

One really gets very tired of people who go on harping on the same thing over and over again.

“What about raspberries?” I inquired.

“Soft fruit, of course,” said the inspector.

“But they contain stones,” I urged.  “Nasty little things wot gits into the ’ollers of your teeth somethink cruel, as cook says.  Really, the Government ought to give us more careful instructions.  And what about the apples?  Are pips stones?”

“Apples are not used for jam-making,” he retorted.

“What!” I exclaimed.  “Tell that to the—­to the Army in general!  Plum-and-apple jam, my dear Sir!  And that reminds me:  a jam composed of half stone and half soft fruit—­how do we stand in respect to that?”

“Well, Sir,” said the inspector, closing his notebook grudgingly, “I don’t think we need go into that.  I think you’ve got just about the requisite amount of soft fruit for the one hundredweight of sugar which, I believe, you were allocated.”

“There’s still the rose garden,” I said, “if you’re not satisfied.”

“Been turning that into an orchard, have you?” he asked.  “Very patriotic, I’m sure.”

“Well, I don’t know,” I said.  “My wife wants to make pot-pourri as usual, but what I say is, in these days—­and with all that sugar—­it would surely be more patriotic (as you say) to make fleurs de Nice.”

“It would be more patriotic perhaps,” observed Lord RHONDDA’S minion sententiously, “not to make jam at all.”

“Ah!” I said.  “Have a glass of beer before you go.”

W. B.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  UNDER THE GREENWOOD TREE.

  Chorus.  “HERE SHALL HE SEE
                NO ENEMY
  BUT WINTER AND ROUGH WEATHER.”]

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Taxi-driver (who has forced lady-driver on to the pavement). “NOW, THEN, IF YOU WANT TO LOOK IN THE SHOP WINDOWS WHY DON’T YOU TAKE A DAY OFF?”]

* * * * *

Headline in The Yorkshire Daily Observer:—­

    “KAISER’S 1904 PLOTS”

No doubt there were quite as many as that, but we should like to know how our contemporary arrives at the exact number.

* * * * *

AN EXTRAORDINARY DAY.

1.  A Staff Officer came back from the line without having had a narrow escape.

2.  A General visited the line and expressed unqualified approval of everything he saw.