MEM.  I remember, in the age of Assaracus and Ninus, and about the wars of Thebes and the siege of Troy, there were few things committed to my charge, but those that were well worthy the preserving; but now every trifle must be wrapped up in the volume of eternity.  A rich pudding-wife or a cobbler cannot die but I must immortalise his name with an epitaph; a dog cannot piss in a nobleman’s shoe, but it must be sprinkled into the chronicles; so that I never could remember my treasure more full, and never emptier of honourable and true heroical actions.

PHA.  By your leave, Memory, you are not alone troubled; chronologers many of them are so fantastic, as when they bring a captain to the combat, lifting up his revengeful arm to dispart the head of his enemy, they’ll hold up his arms so long, till they have bestowed three or four pages in describing the gold hilts of his threatening falchion:  so that in my fancy the reader may well wonder his adversary stabs him not, before he strikes.  Moreover, they are become most palpable flatterers, always begging at my gates for invention.

COM.  SEN.  This is a great fault in a chronologer to turn parasite:  an absolute historian should be in fear of none;[227] neither should he write anything more than truth for friendship, or less for hate; but keep himself equal and constant in all his discourses.  But, for us, we must be contented; for, as our honours increase, so must the burthen of the cares of our offices urge us to wax heavy.

PHA.  But not till our backs break; ’slud, there was never any so haunted as I am:  this day there comes a sophister to my house, knocks at my door; his errand being asked, forsooth his answer was to borrow a fair suit of conceits out of my wardrobe, to apparel a show he had in hand:  and what think you is the plot?

COM.  SEN.  Nay, I know not, for I am little acquainted with such toys.

PHA.  Meanwhile, he’s somewhat acquainted with you, for he’s bold to bring your person upon the stage.

COM.  SEN.  What, me?  I can’t remember that I was ever brought upon the stage before.

PHA.  Yes, you, and you, and myself with all my fantastical tricks and humours:  but I trow I have fitted him with fooleries:  I trust he’ll never trouble me again.

COM.  SEN.  O times!  O manners! when boys dare to traduce men in authority; was ever such an attempt heard?

MEM.  I remember there was:  for, to say the truth, at my last being at Athens—­it is now, let me see, about one thousand eight hundred years ago—­I was at a comedy of Aristophanes’ making.[228] I shall never forget it; the arch-governor of Athens took me by the hand, and placed me; and there, I say, I saw Socrates abused most grossly, himself being then a present spectator:  I remember he sat full against me, and did not so much as show the least countenance of discontent.

COM.  SEN.  In those days it was lawful; but now the abuse of such liberty is insufferable.