If you’ve got any regard for our nashnal caracter, don’t let your son rite comic copy for the noosepapers, after which, be so rash as to rite a book, and have English crickets set up their darn singin, when they catch your little innocent abroad.

JOHN BULL don’t tickle easy, remember that.  I actually believe you couldent stir him with a hul bag full of laffin gas.

As your boy has entered the Lecture field, I shouldent be surprised if he got up quite a breeze on the roast-rum.  In fact, when he opens his mouth before an audience, look out for squalls.

When your offspring is big enuff to enjoy chastisin, remember the “good little boy,” and examine your son’s garments to see if the lad has been roostin onto any nitro-gleserine cans, lest the parental hand, when brought in contact with the youth’s habeas corpus, mite necessitate the sweepin up of father and son’s scattered remnants.

Let your son reed the works on good morril men’s lives.

By the time he gets old enuff to read, I will have my life out in pamphlet form, and you can draw onto me for a copy.  Beware of works of fiction.  Don’t let your boy have a great deal to do with such readin as HOYLE on Games, TOM PAINE on Infidelity, nor HORRIS GREELY on farmin.  Such works are bringin more ruin onto the country, than the numerous jewrys of twelve talented men, who allow murderers to come the loonatic dodge over ’em.

I don’t believe in spoilin the rod and sparin the child, but I think it is well enuff to keep a rod hung up in the barn, where your child can occasionally look at it, to see what he will come to, if he undertakes to kick over the traces.

Children are a good deal like wimmen.  If you don’t set your foot down when you first get married your wimmen will raise their foot up, and afore you realize any pain, your gentle form will be histed out into the street.

With boys you must begin talkin turkey, when they are young goblins, ef you don’t, when they get old enuff, they will “strike for their sires,” and gobble up the old man’s scalp.

Teach your son to honor his pa and ma, and decline the English mission, when it comes his turn.

Between you and I, aspirants for the honor of bordin with St. JIMMY are on the decline, Pitty it haint a gin-cocktail.  I shouldent be surprised, if some big criminal was sentenced to go there yet, which minds me of a konundrum.  Why is the English mission like lager beer?

Give ’er up?

Because it ruins any minister’s reputation, who goes for it.

Hopin that when you shovel off your mortil coil, that your mantle may not pass out of the family, and as time flies on with greased wings, you may make the family name sound by bein able to Mark Twain in your family record, I drop the goose feather.

Ewers, parentally,