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Query for Naturalists.

How can a person who stands four feet in his boots be called biped?

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DENTS-LY FILLED. Government offices.

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[Illustration:  KING WILLIAM OF PRUSSIA WAITING FOR HIS ALLY.]

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HIRAM GREEN ON MARK TWAIN’S BABY.

The “Lait Gustice” congratulates the newly organized Papa.

SKEENSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT.

Friend TWAIN—­Allow an old statesman, which has served his country for 4 yeers as Gustise of the Peece, rite a congratulotery letter to you on your success as a boy raisest.  Altho your name is MARK TWAIN, I notiss that on this occashon you dident Mark but One.

I am a little older in years and Parentelism than you are, and am able to call myself the seenyer pardner in a firm who are the sole proprieters of eleven offspring and 2 grand-children.

Raisin children is a bizziniss which haint every mans best holt, and as long as you’ve got into the bizziness, excoose me for givin you a little wisdom, which you as a parent must swaller without makin up a face.

If your child, in its infantile days, is given to squallin nites, obtain a beverige, called soothin sirup, and just before you pull off your butes nites, give the little cuss about 3 tablespoons full, and he will sleep so sound that you can use him for a piller.  Should he kick & squall, and refuse to take it, lay him down onto the floor, set on him, then takin hold of his nose, pour the stuff down his throte, and you’ve got him, ekal to Jo JEFFERSON’S Rip Van Winkle 20 yeers snooze.

To amoose him—­If your wife is too bizzy durin the day, doin the cookin, washin, &c. 4th, to amoose the child, give him an ink bottle, and set him down on the parler carpet.  If he has any idee of geografy, when you come home nites you will find a good helthy map of the black sea, which Rooshy will insist on bein added to your war map.

Another way of amusin him, is to give him a raiser, and let him play learn to shave.  If he should cut his nose off, it would make the little shaver smart.

If you expect to bring your boy up to hold offis,’ let him cultivate cheek.  This is done by tyin his grandmother in her rockin cheer, and lettin him pelt the old lady with snow balls in the winter time.  In the summer time get him a bow and arrer, and let him see how neer he come to the venerable lady’s nose without breakin her spectorcals.  If this don’t make him cheeky enuff to hold offis, let him pour a lot of benzine onto his little cuzzin, then push her onto a red hot cole stove.  If he can do this and think it a joak, he will do for a cabinet offiser.

If he tries to jump over parental authority, fill him with shot, same as your man did his jumpin frog, only pour it into him with a mustick.