Q. How do you know your wife has had them? A. She told me so.

Q. Then you did not see her have them? A. No, sir.

Q. We want no hearsay evidence here; how can you swear that she has had them when you did not see her have them? A. She told me so, and I believed her.

Q. Did she take an oath that she had had them? A. No sir.

Q. Then, sir, you are trifling with the Court.  Do you understand the obligations of an oath? A. I do.

Q. Beware, then, that you are not committed for perjury.  Is your gas-metre ever frozen? A. Yes, sir.

Q. What do you use when the gas will not burn? A. Candles.

Q. How many to the pound? A. Nine.

Q. How do you know there are nine to the pound? A. They are sold as nines.

Q. Then you never weighed them yourself? A. No, sir.

Counsel, to the Court.  May it please your Honor, this is the second time that this witness has positively testified, under solemn oath, to important points of which he has no certain knowledge.  I ask the Court for protection for myself and my client.

Here a long discussion took place between the lawyers and the Judge, and at the end of it the case was postponed for four months.  I suppose it is expected that I will then re-ascend the witness-stand; but I have determined that when I enter a court-room again I shall appear as a criminal.  These fellows have much the easiest times, and they run so little risk, nowadays, that their position is far preferable to that of the unfortunate witnesses.

J. BADGER.

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Singular Fatuity.

The reason why so few persons emigrate to this country from Poland, is the general belief prevailing there that we have throughout the Union a heavy Pole tax.

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THE A.B.C.  OF NEW YORK SOCIALISM.  ANDREWS, BRISBANE, AND CLAFLIN.

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[Illustration:  THRILLING MELODRAMA.

Scene:  Lord DE VERE’S Manor:  The Blue Chamber.

Lord De Vere. “BUT ONE COURSE, LADY CLAUDE, IS LEFT TO RETRIEVE OUR FALLEN FORTUNES.  WITH THESE DEAD CATS WE’LL FLY TO MICHIGAN AND START A MINERAL SPRING.  THE MICHIGANDERS ARE WILD ABOUT THEIR SPRINGS, AND WITH THIS MATERIAL OURS CANNOT BUT BE A SUCCESS.”]

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[Illustration:  ONE OF OUR SOCIAL HUMBUGS.

Old Gent (figuring up probable receipts of his silver wedding, close at hand).  “I’VE HIRED A SPLENDID TEA-SERVICE FOR BROWN TO PRESENT TO US; IT WILL MAKE QUITE A SENSATION, AND I’VE GOT IT CHEAP FOR THE EVENING.”]

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POEMS OF THE POLICE.

I, MARY SMITH.