There are quantities of elegant dresses in the house,—­the ladies having an idea that an old comedy is one of those things which every fashionable person ought to see.  There are also numbers of nice young men, who, being the burning and shining lights of fashionable society (after their day’s work behind the counter is ended), come to be bored by the old comedy, with a heroism which proves how immeasurably superior to the influences of tape and calico are their youthful souls.  By the by, it is one of the unavoidable desagrements of New York society that the wearer of the elegant dress is often conscious that her partner in the waltz knows precisely how many yards of material compose her skirt, and exactly how much it cost per yard, for the excellent reason that he himself measured it with his professional yard-stick, and cut it with his private scissors.  This, however, is a subject that belongs not to old comedy, but to the extremely modern comedy of New York society.  The two resemble each other only so far as they are fashionable and dull.

But to our WALLACKIAN old comedy.  The curtain rises upon the veteran GILBERT and the handsome ROCKWELL.  They converse in the following style: 

GILBERT.—­“Well, you young dog, ha! ha!  So you have decided to make your old uncle happy by marrying my neighbor’s daughter.  Gad!  I remember my own wedding-day.  Well, well; we won’t talk about that now, but hark ye, you young villain, if you don’t marry the girl, I cut you off with a shilling.”

ROCKWELL.—­“My dear uncle, I can have no greater pleasure than to fulfil your wishes.  But suppose our adorable young neighbor has the ill-breeding to refuse me.”

GILBERT.—­“Refuse you!  Refuse my nephew?  Gad!  I’d like to see THOMAS OLDBOY permit his daughter to refuse my nephew!  I’d—­d—­e, I’d—­” (chokes and stamps with rage.)

Further on we meet with Miss OLDBOY and her mother,—­the latter a stout old lady, addicted to smelling salts and yellow silks.

LYDIA OLDBOY.—­“To-day I am expecting the arrival of young WILDOATS, who comes to pay his addresses to me.  I wonder if he is like that dear, delightful THADDEUS OF WARSAW.”

Mrs. OLDBOY.—­“Now, Miss, remember that your honored father insists upon this match.  I expect you to be a dutiful daughter, and accede to his wishes.  Here comes the young man himself.”

ROCKWELL.—­“My. dear Mrs. OLDBOY, I am charmed to see you.  You are looking positively younger than your ravishingly beautiful daughter.  Fair LYDIA, I come to lay my heart at your feet.  ’Tis the wish of my uncle and your honored father that we should unite our respective houses.  Let me touch that exquisite hand.  Unseal those ruby lips and tell me that I am the happiest of men.”

Here the UNCLE and OLDBOY enter.  They chuckle, and poke one another in the ribs, remarking “Gad” and “Zounds” at intervals.  They bless the young couple, and order up some of the old Madeira.  The curtain falls as OLDBOY gives the health of the young people, with the wish that they may have a dozen children, and a cellar never without plenty of this splendid old Madeira,—­“that your father, bottled, Miss LYDIA, the year our gracious sovereign came to the throne.”