It was then, amid the maladies of her body, that she found relief to her over-burdened soul in prayer.  She no longer prayed with a book, mechanically and by rote, but mentally, with earnestness, and with the understanding.  And she prayed directly to God Almighty, and thereby came, she says, to love Him.  And with prayer came new virtues.  She now ceases to speak ill of people, and persuades others to cease from all detractions, so that absent people are safe.  She speaks of God as her heavenly physician, who alone could cure her.  She now desires, not sickness to show her patience, but health in order to serve God better.  She begins to abominate those forms and ceremonies to which so many were slavishly devoted, and which she regards as superstitious.  But she has drawbacks and relapses, and is pulled back by temptations and vanities, so that she is ashamed to approach God with that familiarity which frequent prayer requires.  Then she fears hell, which she thinks she deserves.  She has not yet reached the placidity of a pardoned soul.  Perfection is very slow to be reached, and that is what the Middle Ages required in order to exorcise the fears of divine wrath.  Not, however, until these fears are exorcised can there be the liberty of the gospel or the full triumph of love.

Thus for several years Theresa passed a miserable life, since the more she prayed the more she realized her faults; and these she could not correct, because her soul was not a master, but a slave.  She was drawn two ways, in opposite directions.  She made good resolutions, but failed to keep them; and then there was a deluge of tears,—­the feeling that she was the weakest and wickedest of all creatures.  For nearly twenty years she passed through this tempestuous sea, between failings and risings, enjoying neither the sweetness of God nor the pleasures of the world.  But she did not lose the courage of applying herself to mental prayer.  This fortified her; this was her stronghold; this united her to God.  She was persuaded if she persevered in this, whatever sin she might commit, or whatever temptation might be presented, that, in the end, her Lord would bring her safe to the port of salvation.  So she prayed without ceasing.  She especially insisted on the importance of mental prayer (which is, I suppose, what is called holy meditation) as a sort of treaty of friendship with her Lord.  At last she feels that the Lord assists her, in His great love, and she begins to trust in Him.  She declares that prayer is the gate through which the Lord bestows upon her His favors; and it is only through this that any comfort comes.  Then she begins to enjoy sermons, which once tormented her, whether good or bad, so long as God is spoken of, for she now loves Him; and she cannot hear too much of Him she loves.  She delights to see her Lord’s picture, since it aids her to see Him inwardly, and to feel that He is always near her, which is her constant desire.