“I ran that two fifty up to an even thousand before the last race and then beat it for home and mother.  The bunch went into the fresh air fund along with the rest.  I am now trying to meet some nice gentleman who does business in Wall Street and get him to make a few conservative investments for me.  Not that I intend to use any of my own money.  Certainly not.  But it is a good thing to have a bank account to flash, so that the boob will think he will get a comeback if he does lose.

“A gentleman did put some money up on a margin for me once and then when he got trimmed he came to me for a check and I had to go into hysterics before I could get rid of him.

“The conceited yen some of these boobs have in thinking that a fluff has nothing else to do but sit in some cafe and hold hands until daylight.

“I am trying to get the Chorus Girls’ Union to get together and pass a law charging so much for our time, just like a taxicab.  Don’t you think that would be a good idea?  Lots of times the supper ain’t worth the time she wastes on the cluck.  They could have a little indicator fastened to their Merry Widow hat and as they leave the stage door turn down the flag and not read the meter until he had kissed you good-by in the hall, and then collect.  In that way the doll would have the price of breakfast, and maybe a new gag or something for her wardrobe.  It would reduce the nightly jam around the stage door by a whole lot.

“Did you hear about the bunch of us going yachting in Gym Bagley’s yacht The Hornet the other day?  He calls it The Hornet because he got stung when he bought it.  The weather was all to the good the other afternoon, so we hike up to Harlem and collar the ship, six of us, and, after loading a bunch of bottled ballast on board, we started out.  Gosh, the water was lovely.  Gym don’t care what becomes of the blooming barge as long as it doesn’t get lost.  You can even sink it, if you mark the spot.  We all leave our Merry Widow lids in the boathouse, ’cause the boat wouldn’t hold them, and sallied forth.

“Wilbur said he knew how to sail a boat.  Come to find out later, it was a stone boat he had been educated on.

“Well, we elected him the chauffeur and, after hoisting the sail, the gallant craft with its merry-merry crew swung out into the stream.  Yo ho, my lads, yo, ho.

“The wind was blowing one way and we wanted to go the other, so after nearly wrecking a couple of tugboats and a brick scow, we fixed the sail so the wind would push the boat right along.  Aye, aye, captain, a fish sou’-sou’ by east with the wind in his teeth!  The sturdy vessel was just tearing along.  Honest, you could see it move—­right along, just like a clam, when Alla, who, you all know, is the human goat, in trying to reach for a bottle of beer that didn’t belong to her, fell overboard.

“It served her right and I told the gang to hit her on the nob with an oar when she came-up.  We dragged her in, however, and wrapped her up in a bunch of coats and set her on the front stoop of the craft to dry.