“Anon, we again went for a ride, and I am here to state that the way we breezed through that village made the proverbial Kansas cyclone look as if it was running on crutches.  The inhabitants that didn’t duck for the cellars stood on the plankwalk and made rude and discomplimentary remarks.  Some well-meaning Rube had tipped his mitt to the town marshal, and that worthy cluck had stretched a rope from the blacksmith shop to the corner of the livery stable, so naturally we had to pause.  Enter Marshal R.U.E. with business of making a pinch.  After filing the usual protests we were haled before the Magistrate.  Here’s a copy of the testimony: 

Marshal—­Judge, Your Honor, these prisoners are charged with defacing landmarks, violating the pure food law, exceeding the speed limit and disorderly conduct.  Judge, Your Honor, these miscreants defaced our landmarks by drinking the only bottle of champagne wine that has ever been in our village—­the bottle that for so long has graced the window of our leading hotel and was looked on with pride and reverence by the townspeople.  A bottle that has been cherished for generations until these monsters came with their ill-gotten gold and purchased same.

They violated the pure food law by drinking said bottle of champagne which has been proven by the State Board of Examiners to contain 18 per cent. alcohol.  The aforesaid prisoners exceeded the speed limit by rushing through our quiet streets at a terrific pace, to the danger of the lives and limbs of our wives and children.

The prisoners at the bar are charged with disorderly conduct by the following facts:  They emptied said bottle of champagne, which was reputed to hold one quart.  That bottle of said wine was emptied completely, which is proven by your marshal, who, after the orgy in our leading hotel, did approach a waiter of said hotel and ask for a taste of said wine, but upon investigation the bottle was found to be entirely empty.

The aforesaid bottle contained one whole quart of an intoxicating beverage and was distributed among three people.  Therefore, Judge, Your Honor, the prisoners must have been intoxicated and therefore disorderly.  Your Honor, the prosecution rests its case.

   Judge—­Prisoners, step to the bar.  You are charged with, etc., ad
   lib.  What have you to say before sentence is passed upon you?

   Prisoners—­Not a blamed word.

   Judge—­I find the prisoners guilty and sentence them to pay a fine
   of $50, or ten days in the city prison.

   Prisoners—­Gee, you must be going to build a new courthouse.

   Judge—­Five dollars for kidding the court.