It seems also not very easy for a man in his sermon to learn [teach] his parishioners how to dissolve gold, of what, and how the stuff is made.  Now, to ring the bells and call the people on purpose together, would be but a blunt business; but to do it neatly, and when nobody looked for it, that is the rarity and art of it!

Suppose, then, that he takes for his text that of St. Matthew,

“Repent ye, for the Kingdom of GOD is at hand.”  Now, tell me, Sir, do you not perceive the gold to be in a dismal fear! to curl and quiver at the first reading of these words!  It must come in thus, “The blots and blurs of our sins must be taken out by the aqua-fortis of our tears; to which aqua-fortis, if you put a fifth part of sal-ammoniac, and set them in a gentle heat, it makes aqua-regia which dissolves gold.”

And now it is out!  Wonderful are the things that are to be done by the help of metaphors and similitudes!  And I will undertake that, with a little more pains and considerations, out of the very same words, he could have taught the people how to make custards, or marmalade, or to stew prunes!

But, pray, why “the aqua-fortis of tears?” For if it so falls out that there should chance to be neither Apothecary, nor Druggist at church, there is an excellent jest wholly lost!

Now had he been so considerate as to have laid his wit in some more common and intelligible material; for example, had he said the “blots of sin” will be easily taken out “by the soap of sorrow, and the fullers-earth of contrition,” then possibly the Parson and the parish might all have admired one another.  For there be many a good-wife that understands very well all the intrigues of pepper, salt, and vinegar, who knows not anything of the all-powerfulness of aqua-fortis, how that it is such a spot-removing liquor!

I cannot but consider with what understanding the people sighed and cried, when the Minister made for them this metaphysical confession: 

“Omnipotent All!  Thou art only!  Because Thou art all, and because Thou only art!  As for us, we are not; but we seem to be! and only seem to be, because we are not! for we be but Mites of Entity, and Crumbs of Something!” and so on.

As if a company of country people were bound to understand SUAREZ, and all the School Divines!

And as some are very high and learned in their attempts; so others there be, who are of somewhat too mean and dirty imagination.

Such was he, who goes by the name of Parson SLIPSTOCKING.  Who preaching about the grace and assistance of GOD, and that of ourselves we are able to do nothing, advised his “beloved” to take him this plain similitude.