I pertended as how I dident hear the raskle’s insultin remarks, but I was secretly itchin to be a silent spectator to his funeral, and see his miserable carciss sunk down under about 6 foot of free sile.  I continnered;

“You see before you, Faith, Hope & Charity, otherwise called the 3 graces,” said I, pintin to my darters, who looked as sheepish as if they was jest let loose from a femail convenshun, or some other loonatick asylum.

“Yer cant cram that stuff down our gullets, no more’n I can stand on this sugar bole without mashin it” said a vile youth, ceasin the sugar bole from the silver tea sarvice and settin his foot onto it.  “Them gals haint no more faith in hoops and charity, than I have that the french peeple can live under a Republican form of government.”  Said another chap:  “Oh, no, old GREEN, them tow-headed maidens is your darters, JOHANNER, BETTY, and MARIAR, Jr.”

“Leed us to the bankett halls,” says some one else.

“Come, do as yer (hic!) ’greed, and give us some pirotecknicks,” some one else yelled; at this juncture all was hollerin vociferously for vittles and whiskey.

I assure you, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, it was very affectin.

In fact, I don’t believe there was a dry mouth in the crowd.

“I blush for every drunken soul of you,” said I, wishing to get rid if em; “and I want you to understand this meetin is adjourned to sober off.”

I noticed that the 3 graces had left the room, while the assemblage was vainly endeavorin to git hold of the silver tea sarvice.

Suddenly the back parler door was busted open, and Mrs. GREEN and my 3 gals rushed in with pans of hot water and broomsticks, and if ever I enjoyed seein a lot of people baptized, it was that ere crowd, who was a yellin “bloody murder,” as the hot water made their hides curl up.

“Go It, My Sweet Dears,” Said I, “Peel Off Their Skins, And You Shall All Have A Bran New Caliker Apiece To-Morrer Mornin.”

Well, sir, in quicker time than I can write this, the house was cleared and the front door locked agin em; but my troubles had only just commenced, for I had, figerately speakin, jumped from the fryin pan into the fire.

“HIRAM GREEN,” said MARIAR, backin me up into a corner, “you old sinner, you, look at that senter table, all scratched up with heels of a pair of drunken cow-hide butes.  Look at my work basket; it looks as if a percession of hogs had been marchin into it.—­See that nice rag carpet which took me over 6 months to make; what is it? eh! it’s covered with old tabacker cuds, mud, segar stumps, broken whiskey bottles, and dish water.  Haint you a sweet venerable head of a family?  Haint you a saperb copy bound in calf, of ex-legal jewrisprudence?

“Presented you with a tea sarvice, did they?  Oh! yool be the ruination of this family with your confounded efforts seekin arter fame.  You—­you—­”

I dident wait to hear no more, but left the house with my feelins in a hily mixed up state.  I have made up my mind to one thing, that if I ever get up another cerprise, I will hire good moral men, sich as editors, noosepaper men, and literary folks ginerally, whose conducts is above suspishon, to conduct the preceedins.