Big Man to Little One.  “NOW THEN, HOSKINS, DON’T GO INTO COURT ABOUT THIS MATTER, AND HAVE ALL YOUR WASH BILLS READ OUT BY THE LAWYERS.  JUST CATCH THE RASCAL AND GIVE HIM A GOOD SQUARE LICKING.”]

* * * * *

[Illustration “BUSINESS FIRST.”

John Bull. “GOT ALL THE ARMS YOU WANT?—­ALL THE AMMUNITION?—­ALL THE COAL?”

France. “YES, ALL.”

J.B. “AND YOU DON’T WANT ANYTHING MORE FROM ME?”

France. “NO.”

J.B. “THEN I THINK IT IS TIME FOR ME TO INTERFERE.”]

* * * * *

SPIFFKINS.

MR. SPIFFKINS was a reporter upon a daily newspaper.  The reader is particularly requested to bear in mind that SPIFFKINS’S paper was a daily, not a nightly one.  MR. SPIFFKINS had never written a line which, dying, he would wish to blot.  In fact his “copy” was always clean, and he used to say, since it was so easy to write a line over again, where was the use in blotting it!  The specific department that Mr. SPIFFKINS attended to was “interviewing.”  Mr. SPIFFKINS chose this department on account of having been born a gentleman, and of having always moved in the very best society.  Interviewing brought him into contact with all sorts of distinguished people, with whom he immediately made himself at home.  On one occasion he made himself so completely at home that the gentleman whom he was visiting considerately pointed out the mistake, and then SPIFFKINS suddenly remembered the distinction.  Mr. SPIFFKINS was a man of great delicacy of feeling and keen sense of honor.  One day a man cut his throat from ear to ear because his boarding-house-keeper would put ham into the hash.  The brother of the man called upon SPIFFKINS and requested him as a favor to keep the thing out of his newspaper, as all the other journals had promised to do so.  SPIFFKINS gave the required promise, and the next day SPIFFKINS’S paper was the only one that had mention of the suicide.  But then SPIFFKINS had no intention of hurting the suicide’s family’s feelings.  Not by any means.  His only aim was to beat the other newspapers and to serve his employers.  SPIFFKINS wrote pure English, his style—­like that of other reporters—­being noticeable for its elegance and perspicuity.  Thus, whenever SPIFFKINS had occasion to use the word “memories,” he invariably said “memories of the past,” and by this means made it plain that he meant no reference whatever to the memories of the future.  The force, originality, and beauty of his epithets were remarkable.  In his local reports suicides were always “determined” suicides, and their acts were always “rash” acts.  Among purists in the use of words the employment of these adjectives has always been considered a delightful and legitimate mode of discriminating between people who kill themselves precipitately and those who use a considerable amount of caution, and (so to speak)