“Kind, noble, beautiful sir! we langwish to cast our suffrages,” says a big fat woman, about the size of a lode of hay, as she shoved her ballit under my nose.

“Madam,” says I, swellin up with accumulated rage, “langwish and rip and tare things as much as you mindter—­you cant stuff this ere ballit box with illegal votes as long as Ime boss of it—­that’s what’s the matter—­and I want you to understand I mean bizzinezs.”

At this they all started for the door, remarkin that I was an “old fool,” “mouskiter,” etketary &c.

“When the 16th commendment passes,” said sweet ELIZER HEMPIHL, who is too pooty to be caught in sich company, “we will call for your skalp, old man.”

“Which topnot,” was my reply, “wouldent furnish hair enough for a false eyebrow.”

I see they was goin, so I said:—­

“My week-minded and misgided femails, hold your hosses a minnit, until an old statesman, who has served his country for 4 yeer as Gustise of the Peece, says a few remarks to you.”

“When woman was taken out of man’s ribs, it wasent calkilated she should lower herself by mixin into such dirty bizziness, as you are up to to-day.  Woman in her natural element, is jest one of the soothinest institutions in this ere land, which flows with milk-punch and houey-sope, and what poor miserable critters man would be without her.

“Who would nuss our offspring, if it wasent for wimmen?

“Who would cheer our fireside, if it wasent for wimmen?

“Who would cook our vittles, if it wasent for wimmen?

“And who would haul off our butes nites, when we come home tired and demoralized, after havin a sett-to with lager-beer and sweitzer?

“Agin, I remark, if it wasent for woman in her onadulterated state, before she had been made a tarnal fool of by these ere despoilers of man’s happiness, MASKALINE WIMMEN, man would be a poor shiftless koot.

“Therefore, I say, go hum and resoom your abnormal condition.  Get back into your own harniss, and don’t undertake to assoom the bifurkated garments.  It haint your forte, no more’n it is some of our public offishals to keep from steelin.”

I rattled away at ’em in this stile, ontil I beheld the last pair of femail bifurkaters skoot for home, when I subsided into a chair, and with my bandanner hankerchief wiped the perspiration from my noble brow.

After Ide partially recovered my ekanimity, I agin resoomed my offishal duties, but I couldent help thinkin that if wimmen made such a confounded hullabalo about votin, as they is now doin, tryin to vote; them air leaders, who air goin about the country like Internal Revenoo offisers, seekin that they may gobble up somebody, will have a pile to anser for, when woman becomes a component part of the body polertick.

    Owe! woman, woman, how sweet you be,
      When you’re dressed up to kill,
    I hope the time ile never see,
      When man’s place you all fill.