Some time ago, the Eye-witness set about organizing the campaign by the masterly and novel plan of inducing the leaders of the opposing political parties to nominate different men for the same office.  The effect was electrical.  Immediately on these nominations being made public, the people rose like one man, and began canvassing like a great many different and very quarrelsome men.  Target companies sprang from the recesses of the East Side, like ghosts from the rocks in Der Freischuetz; drums and fifes resounded; cannons boomed; fireworks burst into flame.  The Eye-witness, having thus set the universe satisfactorily by the ears, got into his second-story front, and contemplated the campaign with serene complacency from the window.

He had not to wait very long for a Mass Meeting to be formed under his very nose, and, consequently, within range of his witnessing and recording Eye.  This Mass Meeting was conducted by the “Intelligent” Party, and was announced to be speedily followed by a Multitudinous Assemblage of the “Enlightened” Party.  These two factions, as it will readily be observed, and as their names indicate, are of the most widely varying character and scope; a fact to be further illustrated by the proceedings which followed.

The intelligent began to assemble early in the evening, to the sound of guns and drums and sky-rockets.  These accompaniments were intended to get their spirits up, but the Intelligent persistently applied themselves to getting spirits down; and when the rival processes had continued for a reasonable length of time, speakers began to appear upon the stands.  The first man who addressed them was the Commercial Candidate.

“Fellow-citizens,” said he, “why are you here?  To elect me, of course.  (Immense cheering.) And why will you elect me?  I am an honest man:  I want no office. (Laughter and cheers.) Ah, my friends, you elect me because you are now paying $5.36 on every pound of Peruvian Bark and Egyptian Mummy which you use in every-day life, and because you know that when I am in, the other party will be out!” (Continued applause.)

Next rose an ex-Senator, who said he had come wholly unprepared to speak, but, being unexpectedly called upon, had made some brief jottings on a visiting-card, to which he would now refer.  He then spoke for one hour and three-quarters.  At the close there was an intermission for carrying off the dead.

JONES, the candidate for the office of Vituperator, then cleared his throat savagely.

“My friends,” he began, “BROWN, the opposing candidate, is a scamp, and he knows it.  If any man says he isn’t, he is. (Loud cheers.) Do you ask me to prove it?  Prove an axiom! (Applause.) Who but a damned rascal would run against me at election?  I tell you it is assault and battery!  (Sounds of approbation.) In conclusion, I will only add that Brown is an infernal bummer and a sneak.” (Cheers.)

The Intelligent then dispersed in a splendidly ferocious and bloody-minded condition, fully primed for the election.  Shortly afterward the Enlightened appeared upon the scene in the following