Whereas: When our anshient relative, Adam, had the monopoly of the ballit box, it was diskivered that it was not ment for man to vote alone, and enjoy too much of a good thing.  Consekently EVE was sent to stir him up.

Whereas: When Mother EVE got there, she made it slightly warm for Adam, by assertin’ her rites.  Like many of our members, she made Adam “walk chalk.”  On eleckshun day she took him by the ear and walked him to the poles, and for the first time in his life he voted the woman’s rites ticket, and Mr. SATIN was elected by a unanimous vote.

Therefore, we recognize in EVE the pioneer of woman’s rites, with ST. NICKOLAS as our patron saint. (Great applause, with “3 cheers for OLD NICK, the first candidate elected by femail suffrage.”)

It was then resolved to send committees to the Democratic and Republican conventions, to see if any LOONATICS had been nominated, who were in favor of femail soopremiosity.

If any such persons were found, they should be requested to announce it through the columns of the Woman’s Journal, and let the world know the fools wasent all dead yet.

Should the candidates be opposed to our cause, it was recommended that when the Woman’s Convention Committee meet, on the 18th of October, that ten talented talkers be appointed to surround the candidates and talk them to death as a warnin to futer candidates.

Congratulatory speeches, endorsin’ these last resolutions, was made by the wimmen, and I gess they would have kept talkin’ ontil doomsday, if the chokin-off committee hadn’t been sent around with copies of Harper’s Bazaar, full of pictures of the new fall fashions. (Between you and I, Mister PUNCHINELLO, the only thing which our wives goes heavier on than their rites, so called, is fashions.) The convention then thanked Hon. Hank Wilson for blowin’ their trumpet, and voted to present him with a new hoop skirt and a pound of spruce gum as a token of their appreciation.

Charles Sumner was then trotted, out, viz.: 

Whereas: Charles Sumner has, somehow or other, got one foot kerslop on our platform;

Whereas: He must go the hul hog or none;

Be it resolved: We can’t take any stock in Charly, ontil he wears his hair parted in the middle and done up in a waterfall, pledgin’ himself to go his entire length, next winter, for the 16th Commendment.  (Enthusiastic applause.  Cries of “them’s um!” “Kor-rect!” “Selah!’” etc.; “Bully boy with the glass eye!” etc., etc.)

Mrs. How then got up and said thusly:  “My friends:  I’me down onto colleges like a 1000 of brick.  They are the mad puddles of artificial ignorance.  If a red-headed woman was alowed to shed her lite, the proffessors would be throwed into the shades rite lively.  The result would be, the blind would lead the near-sited by the nose.  Them’s my sentiments.”