“Sarved you rite, you old ignoramus; that’s what you git for stoppin’ takin’ the weekly noosepapers, because they won’t print the darned nonsents you set up to rite, when you orter be to bed and asleep.”

Ewers, lite as a fether,

HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,

Lait Gustise of the Peece.

* * * * *

A Serious Complication.

The English language is a “mighty onsartin” one.  Here, now, in a magazine sketch, we find it stated that one of the characters of the story was “as rich as CROESUS, and a good fellow to boot.”  Vernacularly, this is correct; and yet so equivocal is it that it puzzles one to think why the acquisition of wealth should subject the holder of it to the liability of being kicked.

* * * * *

Enough Said.

“Modern physiologists,” said the Doctor, “have arrived at the conclusion that man begins as a cell.”

“And what about woman?” returned the Scalper, “doesn’t she begin as a sell, continue as a sell, and depart as a sell?”

“She does,” replied the doctor.

* * * * *

A Relative Question.

Would the marriage of a Daughter of a Canon to a Son of a Gun come within the laws prohibiting marriage between relatives too nearly connected?

* * * * *

[Illustration:  THE (JOHN) REAL DEMOCRACY OF NEW YORK CITY.]

* * * * *

A CRABBED HISTORY.

Most people have a peculiar fondness for crabs.  A dainty succulent soft shell crab, nicely cooked and well browned, tempts the eye of the epicure and makes his mouth water.  Even a hard shell is not to be despised when no other is attainable.  We eat them with great gusto, thinking they are “so nice,” without considering for a moment that they have feelings and sentiments of their own, or are intended for any other purpose than the gratification of our palate.  But that is a mistake which I will try to rectify in order that the bon vivant may enjoy hereafter the pleasures of a mental and bodily feast conjointly.

Most crabs are hatched from eggs, and begin life in a very small way.  They float round in the water, at first, without really knowing what they are about.  They have but little sense to start with, but after a while improve and begin to strike out in a blind instinctive way, which, after a few efforts, resolves itself into real genuine swimming.  They commence walking about the same time.  Awkward straggling steps, to be sure, but they get over the ground, and that is the most they care for.