I was indignant.  I was so mad that my hair stood on end—­voluntarily.  The barber talked soothingly of making a discount on the bill; and I, looking at it in a strictly diplomatic light, gradually permitted myself to grow calmer.  He went further, and did the handsome thing by me—­as if it wasn’t enough to cut under his price!  A phrenologist by profession, so he said, he had resorted to barbering simply for amusement, and under the circumstances he would give me a professional sitting gratuitously.

It has always been a cherished ambition with me to have my head surveyed and staked out scientifically; SO I told him at once he might take it and look it over.

“My friend,” said I, as I gracefully described an imaginary aureole about my brain factory, “you abolish the poll-tax.  I grant you full leave to explore.”

This was the first time I ever had my head examined.  The whole of me, it is true, was once examined before a Trial Justice; but as that was years ago, and it was “the other boy” that was to blame, I refrain from incorporating the details into the history of our country.

It occurred to me that old Scissors couldn’t have been much of a scholar; at all events he breathed very hard for an educated man, and he had a rough, muscular way of moving his fingers about my upper story, that made those regions ache every time he touched them.  You may fancy my feelings.  I certainly didn’t fancy his.

For the benefit of those who come after us, (I don’t refer to Sheriffs and Constables, so much as I do to posterity,) I append a few results of the gentleman’s vigorous researches.

* * *

“There’s a great deal of surface here; in fact, everybody that is acquainted with this head must be struck at once with its superficial contents.”

“Thickness—­obvious.  Great breadth between the ears, indicating longevity.  You will never die of teething, or cholera infantum; nor is it likely you will ever become a murderess.

“Forehead, large and imposing; that is, it might impose on people who don’t know you.

“Your intellect may be pronounced massive, dropsical, in fact.  You have brilliant talents, but your bump of cash payments is remarkably small.

“Locality, 20 to 30.  You are always somewhere, or just going there.  Eventuality, 18 carat fine; absorption, 99 per cent.  This means you will eventually absorb a good deal of borrowed money.

“I find here acquisitiveness and secretiveness enough to stock an entire Board of Aldermen and a Congressional Committee.”

“Ambition, combativeness, and destructiveness are all on a colossal scale.  Happily they are balanced by gigantic caution, else you would be in imminent danger of subverting the liberties of your country.

“If I owned that sanguine temperament of yours, I should proceed at once to marry into President GRANT’S family, and take some foreign mission.