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Professional.

“They may talk about nines,” said the Doctor, when base-ball was the subject under discussion.  “They may talk about their nines; but I know of a nine that would lay them all out in double-quick time, and it is called Strychnine.”

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A FECULENT NUISANCE.

Persons passing along Nassau Street, between Ann and Beekman Streets, for some days past, have had their olfactories unpleasantly assailed by a vile stench.  On investigation by officers of the Board of Health, the foul odor was found to exhale from the premises of 113 Nassau Street.  Further examination disclosed the fact that the nuisance arose from a quantity of Dead Rabbits deposited on the premises by one JAMES O’BRIEN, for purposes best known to himself.  It is said that the entire concern is to be handed over to the New York Rendering Company, for conversion into the kind of tallow used for the manufacture of the cheapest kind of rush-lights.

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The Greatest Joke of the Season.

The idea of nominating JAMES O’BRIEN for the office of Mayor of the City of New York.  But it cannot be called a practical joke.

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[Illustration:  “IT WAS IN THE CHAMPAGNE COUNTRY THAT LOUIS NAPOLEON CAME TO GRIEF.  THE FIZZ OF THE CHAMPAGNE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HIM, AND HE FIZZLED.”—­(Letter from a War Correspondent.)]

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PUNCHINELLO AS A “SAVANT.”

MR. PUNCHINELLO:  I have always taken a profound interest in Science.  When a child my fond parents observed in me a decided taste for Entomology, the wings and legs of butterflies and grasshoppers being the objects of my special investigation.  As a school-boy I obtained (despite the frequent closing of my visual organs) considerable Insight into Physical Science in the course of numerous pugilistic encounters.  A close Application to Optics at that time enabled me to get some Light on the Subject.

I was quite a phenomenon in Astronomy.  While yet an unweaned infant I made numerous observations on the Milky Way, and when learning to walk frequently saw stars undiscernable with the most powerful telescope.  Since my arrival at man’s estate I have frequently experimented on the Elasticity of the Precious Metals, but have generally found it extremely difficult to make both ends meet.

Considering, therefore, that I had as just a claim to be called scientific, as many who pretend to be Savants, I determined to attend the late Scientific Convention at Troy.  My reception was most gratifying.  On presenting my credentials to the Convention, that learned body welcomed me with open arms, and I was escorted to a place among the members by its distinguished head.

Some of the speculations of these eminent philosophers were exceedingly profound, and it is really wonderful, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, to what an extent theory may be carried in the advance of science.