I will now quote my friends’ own words: 

“He was pronounced a hard case, manifesting no sorrow for his act, and utterly indifferent to his approaching doom.  A score of good people had visited him with the kindest intentions, but without making the smallest impression upon him.

“Without boasting, I wish to say that I knew I could touch this man’s heart.  I saw a play once in which the most blood-thirsty and brutal ruffian that ever existed was melted to tears at the mention of his mother’s name, and childhood’s happy hours, and everybody knows that what happens on the stage happens just the same in real life.

“I naturally congratulated myself on having seen this play, for it gave me power to cope with this relentless disposition.

“He resisted all attempts at conversation, however, in the most dogged manner, barely returning surly monosyllables to my anxious wishes for his well being.

“At last, laying my hand on his shoulder, and throwing considerable pathos into my voice, I said: 

“My friend, it was not always thus with you.  There was a time when you sat upon your mother’s knee, and gathered buttercups and daisies?”

“Ah!  I had touched the right chord at last.  His brow contracted and his lips twitched convulsively.”

“And when that mother put you in your little bed,” I continued, “she kissed you, and hoped you would grow up a—­”

“You lie,” said he, “she didn’t.  The old woman was six foot under ground afore I could chaw.  Now, look a here, you’re the fourth chap that’s tried the ‘mother’ dodge on me.  Why don’t you fellers” he added with a malicious grin, “go back on the mother business, and give the old man a chance, jest for a change?”

“After the above scurvy treatment I was naturally anxious to witness the man’s funeral, which I understood was to be a gorgeous affair, six respectably-attired females having been sworn in to kiss the body, amid the hysteric weeps of three more in the background.”

* * * * *

[Illustration:  PRACTICAL.

Housewife. “VAKE YOU UP, HANS—­HERE’S ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY.”

Hans, (dreamily.) “ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY?—­DEN LET US HAVE ANODER BRUSSIAN BIER.”]

* * * * *

Hot and Cold.

The sensational paragraph writers had better “let up” on the question of an imminent dearth of ice.  There is no real probability that we shall be without ice before winter sets in.  It is only for the purpose of keeping us in hot water that the newspaper men say we shan’t have cold water.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  NOT JUST YET!

Mr. Greeley. “PRAY, TAKE A SEAT, MR. WOODFORD; I WOULDN’T ON ANY ACCOUNT DEPRIVE YOU,” etc., etc.

Mr. Woodford. “No!  NO!—­TAKE IT YOURSELF, MR. GREELEY; THE LAST THING I SHOULD THINK OF WOULD BE,” etc., etc.